By: Evan F. Moore
Whoever came up with the phrase "the customer is always right" never had a shouting match with a hipster at 3 a.m. In my 10 years of being a bouncer in Chicago, I've seen a lot of shameful crap.
The doorman is the most polarizing person the general public has to deal with when it comes to nightlife. But contrary to popular belief, bouncers and door guys do not wake in the afternoon and think of ways to ruin your night. However, the people we've dealt with unknowingly (in some cases knowingly) seem determined to get on our bad sides. Here are 20 ways to piss off the bouncer when you're going in, or when you're being asked to leave.
Ask for help finding drugs
Ask me again, and I will refer you to the proper authorities. They can help you give a new meaning to "taking a bump."
Forget to have your ID ready
You are not only wasting the door guy's time, you are wasting the time of everyone behind you. Please, don't let the money Mom and Dad spent on college go to waste.
Ask "Do you know who I am?"
No, I don't. If you don't know then I don't know. Sounds like you have memory problems.
Tell the door guy "This place sucks"
Breaking news: that doesn't hurt our feelings. It just annoys us. We might even agree with you. You came in, so there's something you liked about the venue. Stop fronting.
Claim your friend is still in there
No, they're not. Everyone has left. You should too.
"Can you let me (and six of my friends) in?"
I'll try, but no.
Apologize when one of your friends is asked to leave
This tells me that you have confirmed what the bouncer already knows: your friend is a tool. Get new friends.
Use the ID of the person standing right next to you
... or somebody who's already in the club. Not only do you think the bouncer is stupid, you think they aren't paying attention. You guessed wrong. "Dumb bouncer" is an oxymoron.
Say you're a "regular"
When you say that, all it tells me is that you should know better.
Ask "Is xxxx here?"
Unless I have proof that you know the person you are looking for, I will not tell you if they are in the club. You can look for yourself if you like. I'm not here to connect the dots for you.
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