Chris Cate is a comedy writer, host of The ParentNormal Comedy Podcast, author of The ParentNormal Crash Course, father of three and sleeper of none.
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Check to see if it's time to wake up. If not, wake up anyway and immediately tell parents.
Stain a shirt or couch cushion.
Clean out a toy box and leave it empty.
Hide a TV remote control.
Find a corner to substitute as a bathroom.
Sneak cereal out of the pantry and pour it into a shoe in case of a snack prohibition.
Change settings on a phone.
Get into a losing argument.
Test weight limit of refrigerator shelves by climbing up and down them. Grab juice box if available. Push milk carton to floor if necessary.
Take parent for a long walk/run when they are least expecting it.
Beg for snacks in 15-minute intervals, even if a snack is in hand.
Continue to test theory that everything is attainable if a meltdown is long enough.
Wipe nose on a stranger.
Check the length of a roll of toilet paper.
Make sure all doors are open at all times, including the front door but especially the bathroom doors.
Create a wall mural with permanent markers or food.
Empty a bathtub of water on the floor like the tub is a sinking ship and/or the bathroom floor is on fire.
Throw a yogurt cup, toothbrush and tantrum.
Carefully select the sharpest toys and place them where a burglar or anybody walking through the house after 7 p.m. would least expect to step on them.
Fight sleep like it's trying to steal your family.
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