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20 Things Your Mall Santa Is Thinking

I thought it was gross when a boy left his candy cane stuck in my beard, but my definition of gross has been redefined by this new kid who is eating it.
12/22/2014 02:37pm ET | Updated December 6, 2017
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  1. Is everybody screaming in my ear because I look old or because that's how children talk these days?

  • I really hope that's just melted chocolate on his pants.
  • Does this girl have a phone because she wants to take a selfie or because she is ignoring me?
  • Would anybody notice if I put on the Easter Bunny head to protect myself from sneezes?
  • I hope this kid's parents understand what he is saying, because I have no idea what I am promising Santa will bring him.
  • What's the point of this giant belt except to pinch my belly every time a kid jumps on me? It's holding up nothing but the air I need to breathe.
  • I could really use a bathroom break after that kid took a bathroom break on my lap.
  • Is this suit itchy, or is it the germs attacking me for wearing their home?
  • I thought it was gross when a boy left his candy cane stuck in my beard, but my definition of gross has been redefined by this new kid who is eating it.
  • What's an app?
  • I don't think this girl is going to look at the camera unless it can turn into an iPad.
  • Why must everyone pull my beard? I bet nobody pulls on Mickey Mouse's ears to see if he is real. Next year I'm going back to the fake beard.
  • [Gasping] That hurt. Please, no more nutcrackers with your swinging feet.
  • I honestly can't tell if the adults who want a picture with me know I'm not really Santa.
  • These camera lights are going to kill me. My life is literally flashing before my eyes.
  • If I made contact with another Santa Claus, would it break the space-time continuum? Oh, no. I'm getting too deep into character and losing my mind. I knew I shouldn't have eaten those cookies after the kid who gave them to me dipped his whole hand in the milk.
  • I don't need to be in the food court to know this kid is guilty of stealing my Santa hat. It gave him the same family of lice it gave me.
  • This kid's breath smells like a dead reindeer.
  • What kind of toy is "whaaaah, wahaaah, whaaah..."?
  • Would it be weird if I tagged every one of these pictures on my Facebook page? It would, right?
  • This post originally appeared on www.ParentNormal.com.

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