20 Ways to Attract a Man Person

Horny sun worshiper at the Gay Pride Parade 2013, Civic Center, San Francisco.
Horny sun worshiper at the Gay Pride Parade 2013, Civic Center, San Francisco.

1. Wake up and suck air into the lung organs.

(Shower optional.)

2. Put on clothing.

It should have arms holes and leg holes and allow for respiration.

3. Be confident.

After every interaction, high five yourself, smash a champagne bottle against the side of a boat and yell, "I'm a fucking boss-lady, Muchachos!"

4. Stand on the sidewalk and stare into the middle distance while thinking about cronuts, quantum entanglement and the plight of the pangolin.

(Bonus if you are holding a pizza.) You are a woman with a labyrinthine inner life and a palate for pepperoni. Never apologize.

2016-04-06-1459974905-4476607-640pxTree_Pangolin.JPG
Adorbs. The pangolin struggle is real.
(Source: Valerius Tygart - Own work, CC BY-SA 3.0)

5. Smile.

As big as biologically possible. The bigger the smile, the more it shows how enthusiastic and non-threatening you and your high-functioning, multitasking grey matter are. Let those fillings sparkle. The exposure of your denticles is also a good way for a potential life mate to assess your health and age in the manner of a bestowed equine. If you have dentures, be careful not to allow them to flee your gullet and impale Dude Man in the jugular.

6. Due to last night's exuberant white zin and Netflix consumption, you are so hungover you can barely form words and accidentally gargled with Nair bikini cream.

Use this opportunity to relate to the man-person through low decibel discussion of automobiles and anal acoustics.

7. Get ample sleep and regularly put nutritious food items into your stomach bag.

You can balance your hormones, a checkbook, your children, your tires, your net worth, your mood, your goals, your work life, your diet, and an encyclopedia on your head. Being a lady is often like being a three-legged mountain goat saddled with Cheryl Strayed's backpack who routinely scales Everest and gets zero credit. Thank goodness, you're are nailing it. Teach everyone that you deserve Helen Mirren treatment by rewarding yourself (puppies, diamonds, scalp massages, fuzzy socks and insanely fancy cheese are acceptable.)

8. Walk across the street to show man-beings that your legs work and you have a functional relationship with gravity.

Parade your spirited, autonomous demeanor by jaywalking with a goblet of prosecco while screaming, "Yolo!" No one is the boss of you. Don't litter though, it's barbaric.

2016-04-07-1459989800-254782-450pxGold_goblet_cities_Met_17.190.1710.jpg
That goblet is epic. Well done, darling. Fill 'er up.
(Source: Gift of J. Pierpont Morgan, 1917, Marie-Lan Nguyen (2011))

9. Wink at him to show confidence and an interest in his dude bod, but only once so he doesn't think you are a fembot or in the grips of your own personal earthquake.

If you are a fembot, you should update your operating system to lessen impromptu staring contests.

10. Using your vocal chords, express any opinion about anything (pinto beans, lug nuts, the lifecycle of the dark winged fungus gnat).

This will show you are in touch with pressing matters. Respond to everything he says with, "Hells, that's interesting. You sure know shit!" Nod continuously like a dashboard bobble head. Laugh open-mouthedly and with great gusto directly from your gall bladder. Tonsils are the new cleavage.

11. Burst into a song that resonates with you, whether Beyonce's Single Ladies or freestyle rap to a Peruvian nasal flute number.

Go for full volume to show you aren't afraid of commitment or setting off a fire alarm. A tune or memory of the lyrics is not necessary.

12. Become a professional surfer.

Use your digits to show how you can ride the remote and hang ten over hundreds of channels. Cable is your bitch.

13. Hydrate yourself.

Men love women with functioning kidneys.

14. Lick your finger, point at your curves and make a loud sizzling noise.

Wolf whistle at yourself. Damn, girl, you're looking good, you tell you aloud in the company of absolutely everyone. Cat calling is an inside job.

15. It is never too early or too late to start talking about rearing children with an hombre-guy.

Point at your ovary and allow it to sing a solo from Les Miserables. If the testicled one seems confused, do an interpretative dance that represents a sperm's arduous journey to the soundtrack of The Last Samurai. If you have forgotten his name, just call him, "Hubsy."

16. Show your appetite for snacks and life.

You can wolf down a Carl's Jr. Jim Beam Bacon Thickburger®️ and yodel the speech from Braveheart while skijoring down the side of a the Grand Canyon led by an army of Japanese Chins (the dogs, though you have nothing against voluptuous people from Tokyo).

17. Take any and every opportunity to speak enthusiastically of your lady balls.

Your acorns may not make 200 million sperm per day, but they are soldiers in the fight for reproductive rights and the preposterous quest for wage equality. Jangle and dangle them lady balls.

18. In lieu of handing the gentleman-chap a resume, perform your talents all at once while reciting your mind-boggling daily to-do list and proposition for world peace.

You are a shiny-haired, altruistic octopus with bodacious bazongas. This will be highly intimidating for the man person, but it is a good test of mettle. If he can't handle it, tell him there are plenty of other amoebas in the sea.

19. Be utterly, magnificently and unequivocally yourself.

Unless you hunt critically endangered animals or steal from blind orphan girl scouts, in which case you need a lobotomy, a Judge Judy smackdown and the ghost of Christmas past/Ricky Gervais's present. Consider your Tagalongs confiscated.

20. Smile often, especially at the mirror.

Seek joy. Revel in it. Laugh until you require Depends. Sparkle like a unicorn with a thirteen inch horn and disco balls. You are already perfect. Show it off. The gent-fellows will come running.

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So glittery. So fabulous.
(Source: "Fab Unicorn" by qwerpy5485 )