All right everybody; time to slap on a happy face and start thinking positively about the upcoming twelve months. And none of that, "You want positive? Okay. I'm positive this year is going to suck big beige banana slugs from Mars," stuff, because that, my friends, is stinking thinking.
Usually when a year goes down as gaggingly awful as 2016, folks frantically try throwing a monkey wrench into their continuum, vowing to make audacious behavioral alterations in an attempt to change the status quo. These adjustments often go awry and end up belonging to the "cut off your nose to spite your face" variety. Also known as the Voldermort Maneuver.
Another problem is most resolutions are as unique as a white sweat sock in a junior- high, boys locker room. Always the same old, same old; lose weight, learn a language, eat healthy, work out, not live under totalitarian regimes, construct a scale model of Trump Tower by bending paperclips. But what about other folks? Let's waste some valuable time worrying about the important resolutions they probably haven't made but definitely need to consider.
2017 RESOLUTIONS PEOPLE SHOULD BE MAKING.
• Ivanka Trump pledges to find a foundation color for her father that reads less summer squash and more tequila sunrise.
• Colin Kaepernick vows to kneel for the National Anthem, stand until his Forty Niner offensive line deteriorates, run, then kneel again before kissing the ground.
• Chris Christie promises to perfect his lean and hungry look.
• Rick Perry plans to study up on the Cabinet department he is about to head and is determined to remember its name.
• Mike Pence will insure his people employ the latest strobe technology at press conferences to give the appearance of movement.
• The 115th Congress resolves to supersede the successes of the 114th Congress' by accomplishing less than nothing.
• The TSA finally solves the most dangerous of all security problems by banning passengers.
• To allay conspiratorial fears, Vladimir Putin will drink a glass of water whenever Donald J. Trump speaks.
• Paul Ryan vows to delineate conditions for a plan to replace Obama Care. The major condition is the buildup of frozen water in and around Hell.
• Donald J. Trump is determined to make increasingly outrageous wacky zany statements until Saturday Night Live finally recruits him as a cast member.
• PBS pledges not to do anything to tick off the new Congress and gradually morphs into the 24 hour Thomas the Tank Engine Network.
• Kellyanne Conway vows to purchase Botox by the gallon jug to insure she betrays no actual emotion except her default mask of smug self- righteousness.
• Anthony Weiner promises to purchase a one- way ticket on the Clue Train to an unknown destination and then stay there.
• Hillary Clinton vows that no matter what happens she will never utter the words "I told you so."
• Bill Clinton, not so much.
• Angela Merkel will take acting lessons to learn how to keep from snickering when discussing international relations with an orange clown.
• Reince Priebus pledges to outline the administration's plan to fix the Social Security problem once and for all. Unfortunately, it involves raising the retirement age to 90.
• Mad Dog Mattis vows to open his Congressional confirmation hearing with "Who wants a piece of me?"
Copyright © 2017, Will Durst. Will Durst is an award- winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comedian and former assistant mower on a sod farm. For a calendar of personal appearances including at the Downtown Theater in Fairfield this Saturday night, visit willdurst.com.