“Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.”
William Gibson said this, and while mental illness is a serious matter that shouldn’t be solely attributed to the negative stigmatization or lack of awareness and resources our world has alluded it to in the past, one thing’s for sure: Life is really hard when you’re being controlled by manipulative, cruel or otherwise unpleasant people.
Don’t get me wrong. We are all toxic - sometimes or all the time - in one way or another. We vent vulgarly about others, we say things we don’t mean, we yell out of frustration, and we may even call eachother horrible names. But, what matters most is the intention behind the action. If you’re unknowingly opening yourself up to someone who wants to deliberately hurt you or ruin your life, then you’re definitely dealing with a destructive or “toxic” individual, and it’s best to cease all contact or resolve the situation immediately.
How can we tell the difference between who’s genuinely remorseful, and who’s not? Well, there are exceptions to the rule and special circumstances that may serve such a loaded question with no real or objective answer. However, here are some of 25 habits of toxic people that we can all agree we should stop (or attempt to prevent) from involving or participating in ourselves.
Avoid...
1. ...the person who only talks about themselves, and never asks how you’re doing. Okay...so we all have those days where something happens, and we become so emotional that we really need to tell our friends the whole story; but we’re so caught up in our own lives that we don’t realize that we’re going on and on about our own struggles, that we haven’t paused for them to tell us their own...or even just to breathe and allow them to reply with their words of wisdom. Of course, any friend would be empathetic that you’re having a bad day and you didn’t mean to not ask how she was doing at the beginning of the conversation. But on that same token, especially if it’s by text and you can see what you’re saying, you should clearly express concern as to how your friend is feeling too.
2. ...the person who is overtly critical, and will deliver backhanded compliments or outright insults - at the whim of a finger! They may allege they’re joking or wanting to “help” you; but if this becomes a regular occurrence, gather enough confidence to walk away. They should know better or care more than to even think of doing it in the first place.
3. ...the person who frequently blames others and takes zero accountability for THEIR own decisions. Their contribution in a scenario may suggest they’re only partially at fault. But whatever the case may be, someone who never takes responsibility for their actions or even thinks they’re wrong isn’t someone willing to change for the positive; not to mention that it could also demonstrate a lack of consideration for anyone’s feelings in that specific conflict. After all, when you’re pointing one finger, there are at least ten pointing back at you!
4. ...the person who thrives on pitting people against eachother and thereby distorting stories. Sure, maybe they got it all wrong and completely misinterpreted shared information. But someone who prefers to bring others into their own petty mind games and will purposely mix up the story to turn people against eachother is not someone you want to associate with.
5. ...the person who compulsively lies, especially about severe issues like illness or even death. I don’t think there are literally any reasonable or plausible explanations for this. Cancelling plans, saying your grandmother died (when she really didn’t) or that you were in the hospital (when you really weren’t) is NEVER cool. Period.
6. ...the person who can’t help but orchestrate drama; to the point where they’ll snitch on you, twists words and (inevitably) ruin relationships. This is not only similar to the previous item, but an extension of it. People will go as far as to create stories out of nothing and make you look like the bad guy! First, they’ll gain your trust and ask for your honest opinion about something or someone. You’ll communicate your perspective in a diplomatic and civilized manner, but they’ll inadvertently (or voluntarily) confuse your words and cause it to sound like you were saying that or something else in a harsh way; all at the sake of being blunt.
7. ...the person who instigates and meddles in other people’s businesses. Sure, maybe they need to clear up any misconceptions about a story they heard about themselves. Reputation is important to a certain degree, and they also don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, if someone else is making it seem like they said something they didn’t. However, if they search for answers and consult everyone for knowledge that might be unnecessary for them to know, this will only be counterintuitively getting more people involved who may overreact or learn something that’s none of their business.
8. ...the person who believes or passes on gossip, spreads rumours and fuels drama. Yes, gossip can be entertaining and we’re all curious (human) creatures. So listening can obviously lead to spreading, but proceed with caution. Telling the wrong person makes you just as guilty.
9. ...the person who claims they care about you, but their actions contradict their words (or certain words refute others, or certain actions paradox others - or both). Yes, there may be other factors involved. They’re not sure about how they feel about you, they don’t want to lead you on, etc. Or that might be exactly what they’re doing...
10. ...the person who makes you feel like you need to compete for their attention and aren’t good enough to satisfy even one conversation or hangout. Hanging out in large groups of friends may establish difficulty in permitting one to distribute themselves evenly into speaking with each person. But at the risk of spreading yourself too thin, there are times where you can intentionally or accidentally leave someone out of that interaction. No bueno.
11. ...the person who finds a talent of turning the situation around on you and invalidating your emotions; when they were the ones who put you in a situation that would understandably make you feel upset. Maybe they genuinely think you’re the problem or can’t handle your outbursts. But sometimes, just sometimes, they have to look themselves in the mirror and see if they play any part in your anger. If they can’t, either they really can’t recognize what they’re doing wrong, or they don’t ever think anyone’s well-being is just as important as their’s.
12. ...the person who holds no qualms about guilt-tripping you. Yes we all need someone sometimes, and we should be able to ask our closest friends for aid. Sometimes desperate times call for desperate issues, and your comrade may be stuck in a sticky situation. However, there’s a difference between someone you will assist and know would do the same for you, and has proven to - out of pure love - and someone who just continues to take and take from you, until you have nothing left. They may be under a condition where they are unable to supply that same care; but when someone keeps coming to you with urgent situations where they need your help right, right now...then it just develops a dynamic of compliance and codependency on both ends, which isn’t healthy for either party. You need to learn how to fend for yourself and still maintain a good enough physical as well as mental state, in order to help your friends when they are in need.
13. ...the person who never initiates contact first or rarely ever responds, because they’re too “busy”. Sure - if you’re the one always starting the interaction first, you’re not really giving them the chance to reciprocate and do the same. However, if they start expecting it on your end or suddenly stop responding and then just never get back to you at all...then that’s an issue.
14. ...the person who only contacts you when they “need” something, or are lonely/bored/see you as a last resort. Sure, maybe it’s just a coincidence that they’re occupied all the time and the only periods of duration that they can see you; they’re going through a situation they need something, or noone else was able to hang out, etc. But if this is a constant denominator in your interactions, then gradually acquire the strength to drift a bit. Be noone’s side bae.
15. ...the person who excludes you, then paints you to be something you’re not. Enough said. You shouldn’t have to defend yourself, but don’t give that person any ammunition. Your real friends know the truth.
16. ...the person who makes you doubt your thoughts and question your sanity. This is something we call gaslighting, which requires the use of taking back something you said and denying that you ever said it when you did. This is a form of manipulation, so the abuser can convince you that you “forgot” or are conjuring up ideas in your mind. It’s easier said than done, but you need to distance yourself. If you find it imperative, keep a record of texts or things they have said to you.
17. ...the person who, at any point, doesn’t respect your privacy or boundaries. If someone goes through your phone or utilizes your property without asking you first, seriously consider having them around your belongings...or, you know, you.
18. ...the person who won’t take no for an answer, especially if they coerce you into giving them money or propositioning free rides. The first component of this sentence is bad enough; but don’t let anyone touch your hard-earned money or persuade you into investing your time, effort, and gas. Yes of course, you’ll drive your loved ones and lend them money from time to time - take them for dinner, treat them sporadically, offer them a lift when going out or bringing them somewhere crucial in their schedule. But, don’t let them clean you out - or else you’ll have nothing left.
19. ...the person who speaks ill of you behind your back, and insists they were just lashing out or justifying their commentary as “constructive criticism”. We all might call our friend the b-word or the a-word out of pure disbelief they would do or say something, but someone who makes fun of you behind your back is not your friend.
20. ...the person who expects you to drop everything at their beck and call, but won’t do the same for you. Just a summary of a few of the points already made. Pure selfish behaviour.
21. ...the person who doesn’t appreciate you for all of your quirks or “flaws”. If someone wants you to change everything about yourself (aside from affirming inspirational change and reinforcing positive thoughts to help you with your weight, health or well-being), nagging or bombarding you to do so isn’t coming from someone who accepts (not tolerates) you for being you.
22. ...the person who takes away your voice/freedom and makes you feel like you shouldn’t speak or take any risks. Care about others, but love yourself first. Don’t accommodate your entire life for other people, or else you’ll be extremely unhappy.
23. ...the person who uses you to get to your friends. Just no.
24. ...the person who strings you along romantically, just to take advantage of you in a not-so-romantic way. I have a few choice words for you...(Don’t confuse intimacy for lust on their end).
25. ...the person who intentionally ignores and humiliates you in a public (or private) setting. This person will backstab you and make it look like you handed them the knife (will take any opportunity to sabotage or trick you).