When you’re trying to determine whether or not a relationship is “right” for you, the reality is that you already know the answer – sometimes you just need to hear the question posed in a different way to really acknowledge it.
When a relationship doesn’t work out, most people can acknowledge that they had a hunch that would be the case right from the beginning. Sometimes, your hopes and attachments blind you, and the reality – whether or not it was actually working in the first place – becomes a sobering fact you have to come to terms with.
Better to do it now than waste your time… right?
1. Do you argue about petty frustrations, or do you argue about whether or not you want to be together?
2. Do you think about breaking up when you’re angry, or when everything should be great and easy?
3. Are you happier when you’re thinking about them, or when you’re spending time with them?
“Are you happier when you’re thinking about them, or when you’re spending time with them?”
4. Do you maintain a level of complete comfort and romance with them? Both are essential if you want it to work out long-term. You need to be in love, and you need to be in like.
5. Do you argue because you’re upset that you aren’t aligned on an important issue and want to be on the same page, or because you inherently dislike one another and it blows up every now and again?
6. Do you learn from them because they try to teach and change you, or are you inspired by them and interested in how they think and live?
7. Do you vent to other people about them, or do you vent to them about other people?
8. Are you spending all of your time wondering whether or not you should be together, or are you actually together and just navigating the ups and downs of a relationship?
9. Do you have more inexplicable anxiety or hesitation than you do inexplicable feelings of joy, fate, and infatuation?
10. If you had to marry them tomorrow, or marry them never, which would you choose?
11. If you knew that they would be the exact person they are today for the rest of your lives together, would you still want to be with them?
12. Are you more proud to show them to your family than you are hesitant?
13. Are you interested in having sex with them, but not regularly and consistently touching them in even more intimate ways like cuddling or kissing?
14. Are they the first person you want to call when something great – or something painful – happens?
15. Do they treat you like a priority, or an option?
“Do they treat you like a priority, or an option?”
16. Are you able to be honest with your friends about how your relationship is really going, or do you feel like you have to hide the truth?
17. Do your friends love to be around you and your partner more now that you’re together, or do they seem less than thrilled about them?
18. Is the timing actually not right, or do you feel perplexed by why you don’t want to fully commit to someone who otherwise seems perfect for you, so you chalk it up to “timing?”
19. Are you willing to acknowledge the fact that the timing is never right until it’s the right person, and that absolutely nothing would stand in the way of being with someone if you were really meant to?
20. Are you holding onto a past idea of what you had in your relationship more than you’re working toward your future together?
21. Are you aligned on the non-negotiables? (Where you want to live, whether you want to have kids, your level of monogamy, etc.?)
22. Can you (mostly happily) spend long stretches of time together without needing a break?
23. If you were going to be stranded on a desert island for the rest of your life and could only bring one person to spend all of those days with, would you choose them?
24. Are you overwhelmed with uncertainty? Are you willing to acknowledge that being unsure is actually being sure, and being afraid to accept that fact?
25. Are both of you showing up? Are you willing to acknowledge that “I just want to be on my own” is code for “You are not the right person yet, even though it seems like you should be?”
Get your copy of Brianna Wiest’s book, 101 Essays That Will Change The Way You Think, here.