Look At This 29-Year-Old Virgin

This is Patrick.

Patrick is a very large, very old wombat who lives at a wildlife preserve in Ballarat, Australia.

At 29 years old, poor Patrick is also a virgin.

He came out of the womb-at a time when life was simpler. Now, as a young adult, our boy is having trouble looking for that special someone to do ... whatever the hell wombats do to each other.

So we've let Patrick make a dating profile. If you know any wombats in your area looking to meet a refined single male, please don't hesitate to reach out to us in the comments below!

Name: Patrick

Occupation: Just chillin in mom's basement, playing some WoW, drinkin' Mountain Dew

  • Cuddles
  • Leaves and stuff
  • International politics
  • Juggalos
  • Gnawing wood
  • Existentialism
  • Grey's Anatomy


  • When people mistake me for a beaver
  • Wine snobs
  • Running
  • The San Diego Chargers
  • Crippling depression
  • Becky

Ideal partner: I'm not looking for some one-night-stand. I'm just hoping to meet that special someone who will always go to wom-bat for me.

Ideal date: Maybe we could go to Chuck E. Cheese, swim around in the ball pit, and see what happens.