3 Lessons I've Learned From a Bad Breakup

man woman hands holding broken...
man woman hands holding broken...

It was December 26, 2011.

My bags were packed and I was ready to go. I was sitting in my studio apartment waiting for him to text me to let me know he was here to drive me to the train station.

And I was the most nervous I had ever been in my life.

More nervous than when I got my first dorm room for college.

More nervous than taking my first 747 by myself to move halfway across the world.

More nervous than moving to a foreign country where I didn't know any of the native language.

All because I knew that this was it. It was officially over.

No more fights. No more miscommunication. No more apologies and making up over and over again.

The dust was settling and the chapter was coming to a close.

He picked me up, put my luggage in the trunk and drove me over to the train station.

As we rode over to the train station we mostly sat in silence. What more was there to say? I thought to myself. I had depleted my entire heart and soul trying to make this relationship work. What could I even say at this point to make any of this better?

When we got to the train station he walked me into the station and walked with me all the way to the escalator that led to the boarding terminal.

At that point I completely broke down knowing that this was the last time I was ever going to see this person in my entire life.

I went through breakups before, but not where it completely ends with one person leaving the country. So this situation was taking it to a whole new level for me.

We hugged and he said, "We'll meet again someday."

As I stood at the boarding terminal waiting for the train admiring Korea's countryside with tears rolling down my cheeks, I knew in my head that it was over but in my heart I didn't want to let it go. I wanted a resolution. I wanted to feel like there was some kind of actual "closure."

I didn't realize it, but there are a few lessons that I know now that I didn't know then...

1. We may never receive the closure we think we should get.

Alright so you wrote a letter, sent a letter to him, tried to talk about it but he was totally avoidant about talking about any of his feelings, and so on but it still doesn't feel like enough (I did all of these, by the way).

And you know why it doesn't feel like enough?

Because deep down, secretly, we just want him to confess his love to us so then everything can work out and we can ride in the back of a carriage together into the sunset and live happily ever after.

It's not realistic. In fact, it's totally insane.

Look, let's be real here: When you were with him he showed you who he was. He showed you his personality, his interests, and his quirks. He was totally honest and upfront with you. And, so, maybe he didn't quite express his feelings to the degree that you wish he did, but there's also another lesson you gotta remember...

2. We can't force someone to change.

You can't force a guy to express his feelings for you if he doesn't want to. Sure, maybe you got that sense that he has stronger feelings for you than what he's willing to admit to (trust me, I know), but, honestly, if he's not expressing it then he doesn't feel comfortable doing it.

Now that could be because he doesn't really feel comfortable expressing his feelings to you in particular for whatever reason. Or, it could be that he just has his own issue that he has to work on when it comes to expressing his feelings.

Either way, the bottom line is that you can't force someone to change or do something. In fact, men are hardwired to pull away when they are being forced to do something. So take a deep breath and let it go, 'cause the only person that you have the power to change is yourself.

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3. When we feel complete and whole within ourselves, then we can create a real and lasting relationship.

When we experience any kind of "neediness" -- a need for closure, a need for him to express his feelings, and so on -- it's not because we really "need" that from the other person, but because we ourselves are not feeling whole and complete within ourselves. Why? Because we are not connected to spirit -- the Divine, God, the Universe or whatever you want to call it. We are lacking in our own inner connection to divine unconditional love.

Now when I say this I don't mean that every relationship is going to work just because you're connecting to pure divine love within yourself -- but it will help you see things more clearly.

You better know when the relationship is no longer in your highest good so it's time to walk away. It's easier to forgive and let go of past wounds because you're allowing yourself to be guided by what is in your highest good. And you are better able to create and maintain a relationship that has more balance and is filled with the real love that you truly desire.

This is why I've created Ignite Love from Within: Meditations for Creating Relationships and a Life Filled with Love -- to help you connect to divine love deep within yourself so that you can start creating relationships filled with love. You can start meditating today with a free meditation from the album called Healing Blocks to Love. Click here to get your copy!

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What is one lesson that you have learned from a breakup? Share it in the comments below!

Jennifer is a self and relationship coach, writer, and spiritual teacher. She is the founder of JenniferTwardowski.com and the creator of Ignite Love from Within: Meditations to Create Relationships and a Life Filled with Love, click here for a free meditation from the album. Her mission is to help women create loving relationships with both others and themselves. Click here for her Free Self and Relationship Healing Meditation and weekly blog updates. To learn about how you can work with her, click here.

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