This article first appeared on QuietRev.com
Tom came to me because he had never dated anyone.
While he knew deep down that he was a great guy, he didn’t see how his kindness and intelligence, for example, could translate into attracting women. He’d been reading dating advice geared towards extroverts, so he never imagined he could attract women naturally as an introvert.
He didn’t know that he already possessed rare gifts.
As an introvert yourself, you do too—though admittedly, your rich internal life can be tricky to translate into the dating world.
Quiet introspection, meaningful pauses, and deep conversation all play roles in establishing a love connection for introverts. That means that much of what you may have heard about navigating the dating pool doesn’t necessarily apply to you.
For you, finding love requires staying true to your own nature while putting yourself among others in a way that feels genuine. In order to do this, you must first understand your own natural charm and what makes you inherently appealing. Once you understand that, you’ll be able to draw in warm, open, and attractive people much more easily.
Here are three truths you can use to attract potential love interests.
#1: You are naturally intriguing and mysterious
This is a huge leverage point that you may not even know you have. While other more gregarious types often try very hard to be mysterious, you don’t have to try.
As an introvert, you’re already effortlessly mysterious because of your reserved nature. When someone finds you even mildly attractive, the fact that they can’t quite figure you out increases their curiosity and desire to know you.
Think about a burlesque dancer. Her grace, her magnetism—that sense of intrigue you feel—wouldn’t be there if she just walked out nude. Her dance is a tease as she reveals just a little more of herself gradually, over time. The result is tantalizing intrigue.
As an introvert who deeply values privacy and quiet, you effuse a sexy mysterious vibe, even when you’re not intending to. And when you are intending to? Wow.
By considering your natural mysteriousness—just as you’re doing right now by reading these words—you are working that idea deeper into your self-concept. As a result, you hold your head higher while remaining completely wonderfully yourself.
#2: You have easy access to a positive feedback loop
As an introvert, knowing how wonderful you are and building on that confidence is often enough to have potential love interests start approaching you.
I hinted at this with the first point. When you understand that you’re truly attractive and that you can’t help but be wildly mysterious, something magical happens: you become even more attractive. It’s a positive feedback loop that continues cycling upwards in your favor just by the tiny act of you seeing and acknowledging your own charm.
As an introvert, you are especially equipped to utilize this feedback loop simply because you’re more introspective and thoughtful. These qualities make it nearly effortless for you to dwell on these things, continually fueling your powerful positive feedback loop.
Using your quiet, pensive awareness as a catalyst for attraction is in stark contrast to the cookie-cutter tactical dating and attraction advice: “Oh, say this! Appear that way! Do this!”
Because generic tactical advice doesn’t take into account your unique appealing qualities, which are the very core of your attractiveness, it is noise: irrelevant at best and crippling at worst.
Instead, focus your attention on discovering what is specifically wonderful about you. You can do this by reflecting on your deepest values and the qualities you get complimented on most. If this doesn’t come easily, consider what your dearest friend might say about you.
From there, list your core values and best qualities. Narrow them down to five values and five qualities. These characteristics taken together are the core elements of what you bring to a potential relationship.
#3: You must find your ideal environment
Once you understand your appeal of being naturally intriguing and intentionally dwell on that to create a positive feedback loop, often all that’s left to do is to put yourselfamong other people in a supportive environment.
A supportive environment is anywhere you’re happy to be among others—who are also happy to be there. This environment could take the form of learning-based hobbies, physical activity-based hobbies, etc.—anything that appeals to you.
My personal favorite venue to recommend (and enjoy myself!) is partner dancing. Tom, the client I mentioned earlier, chose this option with spectacular results.
He’d actually passed by a certain ballroom dancing venue on his way home from work every day and had wanted to go for a long time, but he hadn’t gotten up the nerve to do it. Once we worked through his hesitation, he finally went!
After having gone once, he found it easy to start going more to lessons and social dances—soon, several times a week.
Within a few months, he met a woman whom he began dating. Slowly, the dating transformed into a beautiful relationship. He told me how she had pursued him after he initiated, and it was a testament to him of how far he’d come. Before we worked together, he had felt invisible to women and had never dated anyone, so you can imagine how life-altering this was for him!
Everything we did in the beginning built his confidence naturally through noticing what was great about him already and utilizing that positive feedback loop.
Then we got him out of the house.
Next, we simply refined and noted his progress, which again fed back into his confidence, eventually intriguing and bringing a wonderful woman into his life.
Because you’re thoughtful and introspective, it’s important for you to first go inside yourself, see and appreciate all that’s wonderful about you, and then gently put yourself out into the world with that in mind.
The right people will find you intriguing, with no effort on your part, because you are already comfortable in your own skin and aware of what’s charming about you—even before you ever say a word.
Also on HuffPost: