What would you say is the one thing people have to do to find the right partner after having experienced a major heartbreak? It's a tough one to answer isn't it? Truth is, if there was only "one thing" to do, to find love again after a significant sentimental setback, most "Love Doctors" like ourselves would be out of a job... And we would also see many online dating websites trying to find a new niche!
That said, we believe there is one critical factor that often comes in the way of individuals venturing on the "romantic recovery path." But it is so treacherous, so deceitful, that we like to refer to the phenomenon as the Impostor. This individual is very, very good at what he does and he finds sadistic pleasure in adapting his disguises, simply to deprive folks like us from one of our fundamental birthrights: the right to love and to be loved.
So who is that Impostor? Well, he's a shorty. Just a four letters word: FEAR! But don't get mislead by his diminutive stature. The fellow has proven time and time again that he can stall anyone who's not watchful enough. As any great impostor, he uses several covers to achieve his means and deceive us but let's look at three of his most famous ones.
The FEAR of Being or Staying Alone
The Fear of Being or Staying Alone is nothing more than a lack of faith and a lack of confidence. The irony with this one is that people who get deceived by it are seldom alone! They typically jump from one relationship to another without ever questioning why they can't seem to find a lasting relationship. Yet, from one time to another, they expect different results... Our advice here is simple. Stop compromising. You should never settle because of the FEAR of Being or Staying Alone.
The FEAR of Rejection
This is one of our impostor's favorite camouflage and one many of us have experienced first hand. Remember when you first went into that new school as a child? Or, when you had just moved to that new neighborhood? Remember how you badly wanted to "be accepted" by the new kids you just met? And if they never "took you in," the only thought of it probably still hurts years later... Well, many experts say that if you once experienced rejection as a child, you are very likely to try to avoid it at all costs in your adult relationships. Including of course your love life. It is one of our deepest human fears. FEAR of Rejection victims will just give up, and would rather stay alone than even try to find a suitable mate. If you feel you fall in that trap, think of this well-known acronym for FEAR: False Evidence Appearing Real.
Kakorrhaphiophobia
Now this is some serious costume for any impostor and a most effective one for FEAR. Kakorrhaphiophobia is the fear of failure or defeat. The name is derived from the Greek phrase -kakos-, meaning bad and -phobos- meaning fear. In other words it is an intense, irrational fear of failure or defeat. According to many psychologists, individuals dealing with this phobia may fear failure from every angle of their life and should feel that they must constantly show themselves as being better, more in control and extra competent than others. A kakorrhaphiophobic individual might aggressively compete with peers, household members, co-workers and will obsessively seek acknowledgment of their achievements. What triggers the phobia? Specialists agree that a person suffering from Kakorrhaphiophobia has suffered a real-life trauma at some point in their life. Subsequently, when the phobic person confronts any scenario that even remotely reminds them of the trauma, their brain automatically signals a fight or flight reaction. And they run for the bushes... But here's our recommendation. If you recognized certain of your personal behaviors, we would strongly encourage you to seek counsel from an acknowledged therapist on this issue.
It's important that we all acknowledge and accept this reality: FEAR is an illusion. It morphs, disguises itself into a mirage behind which we often hide to shy away from starting any new blissful relationship. Go ahead. Confront the Impostor in your life. We guarantee you. You'll come out on top!
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Acclaimed Relationship Coaches, Authors and HuffingtonPost bloggers Diane and Mario Cloutier have each experienced real-life relationship sorrows of breakups and divorces before finally attracting the blissful relationship each of them were longing for. They became romantically involved in 1998 and married in 2001. Their new book, Relovenship® - Look Within to Love Again! (Xclamat!on Media, 2015) gives inspiration, hope and a step-by-step methodology to people who have had romantic disappointments and are still looking to find "the one." Mario and Diane are now constantly traveling across the United Sates and Canada to spread their message: that it is possible to "live happily... EVEN after!" For booking inquiries or to learn more about the authors and their upcoming events, go to ReLovenship.com.