Tuscaloosa, AL: Goodyear Satire Co.--
Alabama Police seized 30 kilograms of synthetic Donald Trump during traffic stops in Tuscaloosa on Wednesday.
Troopers stopped a 2014 Toyota Truck and a 2012 Honda Accord on Interstate 20 near Cottondale for "weaving in and out traffic." During the stop, troopers learned that 30 Kilograms of synthetic Donald Trump were individually packaged inside two identical cardboard boxes in the trunks of the vehicles.
Addicted to Trump
Millions of Americans became hooked on the high Donald Trump created with shouts of "Build the wall," "Lock her up" and "Drain the swamp" at his campaign rallies. Chemists working in mobile homes developed synthetic Donald Trump to mimic the effects the candidate had on the brains of his fans.
"As followers shouted his slogans, their brains released 'feel good' endorphins that reinforced their attachment to his candidacy," explained neurologist Paulo Fermi of the Cleveland Clinic. "That's why it didn't matter what Trump said or did. They became addicted to Trump."
Addicts found themselves attending rallies in far off places just to get another hit. The news media, noticing a ratings rise each time they televised a Trump speech, began giving more airtime to the political novice, not realizing they were feeding an addiction.
Raising the Stakes
"As with any drug, followers became immune to the initial stimulii," said Fermi. Trump had to make more and more outlandish statements just to produce the same high.
"Stocking his cabinet with Generals from the Swamp sent mood-altering seratonin levels soaring," explained Fermi. "Then Trump went after Boeing with lies, which only helped for a day. Trump satisfied again by attacking first the Carrier Co., then Carrier's union head by name. Carrier got a $7 million taxpayer bailout, Trump got the credit for saving jobs, and the Union head got death threats."
"For the Trump team, that was a win-win-win," said Fermi.
Police said the street value of the seized Donald Trump was about $9 million. It commands such a large street price because Trumpix, the legal version of the drug. has been shown to be as impotent as democrats in the face of a stolen election.
Two Louisiana men were arrested, Henry Clowderman of Port Charles, 39, and Fred Pierrote of New Orleans, 52. They were each charged with two counts of reckless driving and four counts of interstate transportation of synthetic Republicans.