30 of the Most UnSavory Midlife Truths

Yo, middle-age! You sure did sneak up on us. And, although my girlfriends and I have been expecting you, we can’t help but feel offended by some of the nasty and mean shit you’ve brought along to the party.

Now, don’t get us wrong, we are warriors; ready to take on whatever you toss our way.  But we will bitch about it. We must bitch about it because venting and commiserating makes us feel better, damnit!

And, while we’re complaining, tweezing, and locating our missing glasses (usually on our heads), we like to pour ourselves a nice glass of red wine. After all, it’s good for us, right? With all its antioxidants and “gym-like” effects.

So, why don’t you join us for a little wine-sipping bitchfest. We’re happy to have you here.

The 30 Most Annoying (& Sometimes Gross) Things About Midlife:

  1. Chin hairs,
  2. Neck hairs,
  3. And motherfucking nipple hairs. (Yet, as one of our beloved friends has suggested, perhaps God really does give us what we need? Like our own at-the-ready eyelash extensions. Boom!)
  4. Sneeze-pees,
  5. Missing keys,
  6. Muffins tops,
  7. And sketchy knees. (Mama’s gonna need a ‘lil help getting up.)
  8. Heartburn, (But I love coffee, wine, and chocolate!)
  9. Tweens that turn (into hormonal beasts).
  10. Lazy digestive tracts,
  11. Sore and aching backs.
  12. Temperamental sciatic nerves. (Damn you high heels!)
  13. Pick-up lines from creepy perves.
  14. Memory loss,
  15. An old wardrobe to toss.
  16. Lines and wrinkles,
  17. More frequent tinkles. (Hello 2 a.m.)
  18. Arms that wave from below.
  19. Flashes of heat,
  20. Changes of mood.
  21. Unexpected comments,
  22. Coming across as rude. (Did I just say that?)
  23. Blurry menus,
  24. Farts that slip out.
  25. The writing of lists,
  26. A foot that has gout.
  27. The need for bifocals,
  28. And a weekend away.
  29. Midlife can suck it!
  30. But it’s here to stay. (Until late-life hits and we can make a new, and even more bitch-worthy, list).

We really could name over a hundred indignities, but we keep our sense of humour intact. Because if we weren’t ripping a gut laughing (despite the farting thing) we’d be crying buckets! And they say cry-lines are even worse than laugh-lines…

So, cheers to midlife and its cruel sense of humor!

What’s your biggest #MidlifeWoe? Join in our bitchfest by commenting below.

This post was originally created in collaboration with my girlfriends over at BLUNTmoms.

Did you know that Shannon Day and 36 other fab writers have created a book? Well, it’s actually a martini guide too. If you like funny, ridiculous, and heartstring-tugging stories of motherhood (+ easy-to-make martini & mocktini recipes) then you’ll love Martinis & Motherhood: Tales of Wonder, Woe & WTF?!

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