30 Signs You're a New Mom

You have somehow transported yourself into a different dimension where everyone talks about themselves in the third person, as in, "Mama needs some time to herself, like, for real..."
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The transition from being a pregnant woman to a new mom is a huge shock on so many levels. As a new mom, I have found myself doing countless things I never would have expected to do -- some that are laugh-worthy and others that will make you cringe. Here's a list of 30 signs you're a new mom.

  1. Your shower and meals become a bullet point on a list of "to-dos."

  • You find yourself giving the play-by-play of every little action you're doing, even when no one else is in the room.
  • You have somehow transported yourself into a different dimension where everyone talks about themselves in the third person, as in, "Mama needs some time to herself, like, for real..."
  • Swaying back and forth isn't just for the baby anymore; you're soothing yourself now, especially when your little one is fast asleep in the other room. Bouncing up and down is also perfectly acceptable in this situation.
  • Your shirt is now a ShamWow and not a piece of clothing.
  • You change outfits more times in a day (due to various baby bodily fluids) than a teenager on the first day of school.
  • You then (smartly) give up changing clothes and accept the fact that you will be covered in something at all times during the day.
  • Poop color, consistency and quantity becomes as regular a dinner conversation as, "So honey, how was work today?"
  • Your boob + public places = Don't care. Modesty, I knew thee well...
  • You celebrate the fact that your child is finally sleeping longer by spending your newly found free time obsessively checking on them.
  • The ponytail and makeup-free technique has become your signature look, and by signature look, I mean your only look.
  • Instead of the Caribbean, you daydream of long showers and baths.
  • After going over your 50-point checklist in your head of everything you need before leaving the house, you still have to run back inside to get the one thing you absolutely could not leave without.
  • You are no longer grossed out by the poop that manages to escape the diaper in every possible direction. It's your new norm.
  • You congratulate your baby after they finish pooping like they just won a medal at the Olympics.
  • Eating becomes a competition around finishing your plate in the shortest time possible, and you can forget about savoring any bite.
  • After finally securing a babysitter and getting out for the first time in months, the only thing you talk about the entire evening is how much you miss your little one.
  • That hot cup of coffee you made this morning to enjoy while getting ready? It's 2 p.m. and you still haven't gotten halfway through it and have reheated it four times.
  • Your child has the uncanny ability to warp time. Two minutes takes a decade while two months happens in less than two seconds.
  • You use your kitchen timer not to cook something delicious, but as a countdown to when your partner gets home from work.
  • You've learned that peeing in the bathtub is just something that happens, and will happen for the foreseeable future, because after it becomes a reflex, it becomes a game for your baby.
  • You sing the same songs on repeat so much your own voice is starting to drive you crazy, but it's worth it, because that smile is everything to you.
  • That ridiculously comfortable chair you've had since college? It's been replaced by a baby swing.
  • You have one boob that is constantly bigger than the other.
  • You shudder at the M word, "mastitis" -- and try not to think of it, for fear that you'll curse yourself and get it.
  • 8:30 p.m. has become your new bedtime, and even that seems late most nights.
  • Moving even an inch while your baby naps on you after nursing is a terrifying experience for fear of waking them.
  • Sneezing while the baby naps is absolutely off the table, just hold it in and take it like an adult.
  • Your boob becomes the answer to pretty much every mystery fuss.
  • You find yourself humming kid songs long after your baby has gone down for the night.
  • There you have it -- 30 signs that you're a new mom. Now I want to hear from you in the comments, what signs of being a new mom resonated most for you? Which ones did I miss?

    Rachael Roehmholdt is a holistic health coach who helps moms discover the art of extreme self-care in order to look and feel their best. You can read more of her writing at and join her newsletter for weekly inspiration on creating a body and life you love.

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