Confession is good for the soul, they say. Confession sets you free.
Well, I confess I have been extraordinarily unreasonable lately, and that I am, in fact, ruining my children's lives.
- I asked my middle schooler to take a shower even though, "GEEZ, Mom."
- I asked my daughter to open the garage door for her brother even though, "That is STUPID and NOT FAIR, and I HATE EVERYONE."
- I asked small children to put away all the pieces of the LEGOs even though stiff bodies and lying prostrate on the ground and wailing and gnashing of teeth and, "But we can't do ALL of it; it is TOO HARD."
And I know. I know. I suck.
Fortunately, it turns out I do not suck alone, because children everywhere are suffering. Here, as a way to honor the victims of our collective madness, are:
30 Totally Rotten Things Parents Have Confessed to Doing
That Are RUINING Their Children's Lives
- "I asked my son to stop spitting his chewed-up carrots in random corners of the house." -Mariah
- "I cruelly, and with malice aforethought, did willfully remove a string of Mardi Gras beads from my toddler's neck before settling her into bed for the night." -Terri
- "I asked my daughter to flush the toilet and wash her hands with soap, even though both things will mean the END of the world. The END." -Emily
- "I let my child have cookie, but it was the wrong one." -Jenn
- "I ruthlessly tore a bagel in half (like an animal!) so when my 20-month-old inevitably fed it to the dog, he'd still have half to eat. Feverishly trying to paste it back together with cream cheese was no way to make amends. It was an insult to his intelligence, and I am ashamed for even trying." -Megan
- "I made my daughter take a multivitamin even though 'they taste like death and the tears of a child.'" -Annie
- "I told my 2-year-old to stop playing the video game (which I had not put quarters in) at the skating rink to go have cookies, cake and ice cream for his cousin's birthday. I am truly evil." -Lauren
- "I asked my daughter to go pee when she needs to instead of playing longer and getting wet. My priorities are wrong." -Jennifer
- "I wiped my son's nose." -Kristen
- "I told my 10-year-old she had to eat one spoonful of vegetables before she could have ice cream even though 'all vegetables make me THROW UP.'" -Sheila
- "I expect my teens to take a shower at least every other day. I'm too demanding." -Ruby
- "My child will be calling Child Protective Services and suing for $20,000 cash because I threw out a gnarly toothbrush and replaced it with a fresh, new one, which is clearly child abuse." -Jamie
- "I suggested my son put his coat in the car just in case we broke down and needed to walk even though he's never cold, and our stupid car is old, and I'm not him, and I don't know his body temperature, and we probably won't break down anyway. I'm a jerk." -Anne
- "I made my 5-year-old put on all her clothes before going to school." -Shawndy
- "I asked if I could please have just three minutes to pee before looking for the lost doll boot." -Tess
- "I turned off the TV." -Genevieve
- "I asked my 3-year-old grandson to stop biting his sister even though she kept taking his toy car." -Janet
- "I cook gross food for dinner. Every night." -Diana
- "I made my 15-year-old shovel snow even though it will snow again." -Sonja
- "I fed my toddler his favorite foods for lunch." -Katie
- "I told my son he may not take a bubble bath with the dog." -April
- "I require my kids wear a minimum of underwear to sit on my furniture." -Beth
- "I made my 12-year-old hang her own washing even though it nearly killed her." -Simone
- "I asked the last child out of the minivan to push the button to close the door. The same child who always has to do everything." -Kimberly
- "I went to my teen's choir concert and clapped." -Margie
- "I didn't allow my son to hide chicken in his underpants to get out of eating dinner and back to playing." -Michelle
- "I don't let my 1-year-old lick the bottom of people's shoes." -Michelle
- "I zipped my son's coat too high." -Martha
- "I didn't zip his coat high enough." -Savans
- "I exist." -Elaine
In conclusion, we parents are horrible people out to irrevocably wreck the lives of small people around us. And we should be ashamed.
Beth Woolsey is the writer and humorist behind the Five Kids Is A Lot of Kids blog. Beth is described by readers as "optimistic, authentic, poignant and laugh-out-loud funny, [capturing] the mom experience with all its pathos and humor."
An earlier version of this article was originally published at the Five Kids blog; all quotes are credited to comments of the Five Kids blog readers... who are, obviously, the raddest momrades on the planet.