"3:10 to Yuma" is Not Gay

As soon as I admitted that I love Russell Crowe and Christian Bale - and that I would definitely see 3:10 to Yuma just because they're in it - I knew I was going to get the homoerotic tag. Now, I hear from Nick Antosca, blogging here at Huffington Post, that the whole movie is homoerotic.

I guess anyone who likes Westerns or cool actors is secretly gay. In fact, all cowboy movies and movies starring cool actors are gay. In fact, everything in the whole wide world is gay.

I'm sorry but I gotta call bullshit on that. Just because you think Christian Bale is a forceful actor that is really fucking intense doesn't mean you want to have anal with him.

The pseudo-psychobabble set (is there really such a "set") would now say, "Look at his use of the word "forceful" in that sentence, and then he makes his intentions really obvious when he says "fucking intense." Indeed! This guy is 100% secretly gay."

Now, I am going to go over the top and say something that sounds completely un-PC. Part of what makes Christian Bale's character so cool and so manly is that there is no way in the world he would lean over and kiss Russell Crowe in that movie. Not in a million years.

The reason that is "cool" is because his whole character is the epitome of masculinity and he does a great job of delivering on that. In another context, a gay character, of course, can be just as "cool" for other reasons. Omar in The Wire is a perfect example. Omar is the coolest character in a series full of incredibly cool characters and he is openly gay. But that's not what was happening in 3:10 to Yuma.

On the larger point about straight guys, maybe people live in a different world than I do, but I have never had the urge to kiss another guy, no matter what the situation is. So, I don't get it when people assume that otherwise straight guys in intense situations always want to make out. That's not the way straight guys think.

Now, you can argue that there are no straight guys and that I am full of shit and every other guy who claims to be straight is also full of it. And that we are all secretly into our homoerotic fantasies. But you would be wrong. We do not want to kiss other guys. And in 3:10 to Yuma Christian Bale and Russell Crowe did not want to make out. They had respect for each other. I remember a world where that was possible without guys secretly wanting blow one another.

I know what every single person who disagrees with this diatribe is thinking right now - what are you so worked up about? I wonder what that indicates!

Just calm down. If I wanted to pull a Larry Craig and hide something, I certainly wouldn't write a whole blog about it. It is possible to have an opinion on this matter without "secretly" thinking anything. I know the critics won't believe that - because, I know ... everyone is gay. If you even mention the topic or suggest in any way that you are not gay, well, then you've just proven you're gay.

I am also not going to bother telling you how pro-gay rights I am or how many of my best friends are gay because then I'd be falling into the trap of being defensive again, right?

I will, however, tell you that 100% ironically, I have made the argument before that everyone is gay. Partly gay that is. I don't believe that people are either 100% straight or gay (though apparently they can be 100% ironic). I believe there is a gay-straight spectrum and that we all fall somewhere on that spectrum. You can read more about my brilliant and fabulous theory on the gay-straight spectrum here.

So, even according to me, we are all somewhat gay and somewhat straight. Now, will you believe that I am not anti-gay or paranoid that someone is going to accidentally think I'm gay? Probably not, but I'll soldier on anyway.

I got into this huge argument in law school with one of my professors about gays in the military. We were both for gays in the military but she insisted that straight guys were being paranoid and that gay guys would never check out straight guys in the shower anyway. And I said, "That's fucking ridiculous."

I know as a guy that there are no limits to what we will think sexually in the dark recesses of our male minds. And if you put me in a shower with naked, hot lesbians, it's not like I would think, "Oh, they're not straight, so I'm not interested. I won't even bother looking." Even though I agreed with her about the overall topic, that point was wrong -- and someone had to tell her.

That's a long way of saying that I believe some arguments should be made for the principle of it and frankly, to enlighten people. So, let me enlighten you (if you didn't hate me by now, that sentence had to clinch it). There are guys who do not want to kiss other guys. Not everything is homoerotic subtext. Some guys in cowboy movies do not want to fuck each other.

I saw 3:10 to Yuma (in fact, you can see my unsophiscated review of it here) and I never once thought, "Wow, those guys are into each other. I bet they want to grab each other's asses and neck all night long." Assuming that is ridiculous. I think they respected each other and that was the whole point of the fucking movie.

On the other hand, Ben Foster's character had clear gay undertones and even overtones. If someone argued that he wanted to make out with Russell Crowe's character, then I'd be buying what you're selling. But as for the rest of the movie, can you please just go to a movie once and not assume every man in the movie is secretly gay?

Watch The Young Turks Here (And See if You Can Spot the Homoerotic Subtexts)