Parents are constantly bombarded with unsolicited advice about raising kids, and it’s not always not helpful.
But thankfully, the funny parents of Twitter know what’s up. We’ve rounded up 35 tweets offering “parenting tips” that range from hilarious to helpful. Scroll down for some excellent advice (or a good laugh).
Parenting Tip- Add “Ok Sweetie?” to the end of anything you say to sound like a great parent.
— Cydni Beer (@cydbeer) March 14, 2018
Example: “If you knock one more item off the shelf I’m going to leave you here for a stranger to take you home, Ok Sweetie?”
Parenting pro tip: cups. Get some cups. Your kid will never use the same cup twice. Invest in cups. More cups. You will die under a mountain of cups.
— Heather B. Armstrong (@dooce) January 26, 2018
Cups.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) January 11, 2017
Parenting tip: Always yell, "I WILL TURN THIS THIS CAR AROUND!" whenever you have to do a U-Turn.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) February 15, 2018
Parenting Tip: Be prepared to answer tough life questions from your child, because "What's your favorite kind of brick?" will come up.
— TheAlexNevil (@TheAlexNevil) October 27, 2016
Parenting Tip:
— TheBabyLady (@thebabylady7) August 17, 2018
Your child will have no idea if you skip half of the words in The Cat in the Hat.
Parenting Pro Tip: Never tell your spouse you slept well — unless they say it first
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) August 2, 2018
Parenting tip: Have date night in a place where you legally can not bring your kids, like a strip club or your office.
— Lauren Mullen (@DraggingFeeties) November 14, 2016
Parenting tip: If you can't get your kid's attention, just start any video on Youtube and they will be at your side in seconds.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) November 8, 2017
Parenting tip: Make sure you buy your toddler a watch so that you can get updates on the time exactly every two minutes.
— Meredith (@PerfectPending) December 1, 2017
Parent Tip: children get upset when they don’t get their way, but remember: cookies will help. And if you want you can give the kid one too.
— TheAlexNevil (@TheAlexNevil) October 18, 2017
Parenting tip: If you beat them at kids menu tic tac toe enough times in a row they’ll stop asking you to play.
— The Dad (@thedad) January 19, 2018
Parenting tip: when your kid says "hold this (any object) for me," they literally mean hold it forever. And they will not forget.
— Mike Reynolds (@EverydayGirlDad) October 17, 2017
PARENTING TIP 526: Always carry small bills. When your kid asks for money, give them the exact amount. Because you ain’t never gonna see that change.
— Stacey Gill Ink (@StaceyGillInk) August 14, 2018
Veteran Parenting Tip:
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) September 11, 2017
Friends don't make friends buy school fundraiser wrapping paper.
New parent: what's your one tip for being good at parenting?
— Mike Reynolds (@EverydayGirlDad) September 29, 2017
Me: alter your understanding of the word good.
Parenting tip: Yell "BE CAREFUL!" and they'll be fine.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) November 2, 2016
Parenting Survival Tips
— TheBabyLady (@thebabylady7) October 24, 2017
1. Secret chocolate
2. Wine
3. Emergency roll of toilet paper
Pro parenting tip:
— Lauren Mullen (@DraggingFeeties) February 22, 2018
Learn which DVDs restart themselves and use them to your advantage.
Parenting Tip: "It's magic!" is a perfectly valid response when your child asks you to explain something you don't understand.
— TheAlexNevil (@TheAlexNevil) September 17, 2016
Parenting Tip: Whatever you buy your kids for the holidays, remember that YOU will also be forced to play with it.
— Toni Hammer (@realtonihammer) November 8, 2017
Choose wisely.
Parenting tip: Any time can be midnight if you search for last year’s ball drop on YouTube. pic.twitter.com/cNizgFmKDk
— The Dad (@thedad) December 31, 2017
Parenting tip for people with more than one kid: if you ignore them, they're forced to play with each other.
— Lauren Mullen (@DraggingFeeties) December 12, 2017
Parenting Pro Tip:
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) December 17, 2017
Sometimes letting the toddler bang away on the xylophone is less noisy than NOT letting the toddler bang away on the xylophone.
Parenting tip: Establish dominance by occasionally mispronouncing your kid's name and acting surprised when they correct you.
— Scary Mommy (@ScaryMommy) September 2, 2017
Parenting tip: Never say maybe. THEY HEAR YES people...THEY HEAR YES!
— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) October 5, 2016
#Parenting tip: Always check the back of your souvenir tee shirts.
— Kelly Phillips Erb (@taxgirl) May 5, 2017
My 14yo really didn't need to be labeled an "official vodka taster."
Parenting pro tip:
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) July 11, 2017
If your kid is complaining about being bored, ask them to clean their room so they can complain about that instead.
Parenting Tip: quote Beyoncé daily to your insolent child: "When you hurt me, you hurt yourself. When you diss me, you diss yourself."
— Rachel Simmons (@RachelJSimmons) July 29, 2017
Parenting pro tip: tell your kid to dab when they cough or sneeze. They catch the germs in their elbow while choreographing their illness.
— Heather B. Armstrong (@dooce) January 8, 2017
Parenting pro tip: If you're considering repainting the walls in your bathroom, rethink that until your boys are done potty training
— Beau Coffron (@lunchboxdad) June 3, 2017
Parenting pro tip: Put on headphones & blast the Mario Brothers theme song during your toddler's tantrum. Just...trust me.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) September 12, 2016
Parenting Tip: Never underestimate the power of a brightly colored Band-Aid to heal even the most nonexistent of boo-boos.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) December 15, 2016
Mom Tip: When choosing a new beach bag, be sure to get one with many pockets to adequately hold all of your children's rocks and shells, other people's garbage they've picked up, and of course, their own garbage.
— the Mom TruthBomb (@momTruthBomb) July 4, 2018
Parenting tip: Never have kids. They might get lice.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) March 9, 2017
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