One of the hardest stages in the relationship-building process occurs when you don't know where you stand. According to Relationup, an app that provides on line professional dating and relationship advice, 70% of people who seek out help with a new relationship are struggling with their status in that relationship. In fact, the struggle is so real that many rush to define a commitment just to feel settled. The downside to having "the conversation" prematurely is that your relationship hasn't had enough time to solidify. Your partner may feel pressured to make a decision and, naturally, will err on the side of caution, translating "I'm not sure about us" into "if I have to say now, then I'm not willing to commit."
The dilemma is in the timing -- knowing when it makes sense to broach the subject or when you should kick your anxiety to the curb and just go with the flow. Some people feel that you can ask for a commitment after a certain amount of time together. However, because the amount of time people feel comfortable in a relationship varies, that isn't a very reliable benchmark to use.
Instead, here are four questions to help you avoid having the "where are we going" talk for the wrong reasons:
1. Do you have a history of pushing to define relationships too quickly? Take a quick inventory of your past relationships. Have partners told you to slow down, that you're coming on "too strong," or that you're moving too fast? If so, chances are you're about to do it again. Try something new and let this relationship progress naturally.
2. Do you feel that your partner is disengaged or distant and think that getting a commitment will change his/her behavior? This is a bad strategy to create closeness that isn't there yet. You have to assess whether you're misinterpreting your partner's need for independence or whether he/she is truly just not that into you. If the latter is the case, then it's time to move on. However, if it's the former, you have to decide if you're suited to handle your hot and cold relationship or if it's going to drive you crazy.
3. Do you flip-flop between infatuation and disinterest? Don't make the mistake of thinking that your emotions result from your lack of commitment. Is your disinterest leading to doubts, like whether you are attracted enough or whether he/she is good enough for you? Do you feel really close to your partner at other times? If this style of connection feels familiar, watch when you're falling into this pattern and try not to create drama when you feel distant. Instead, step into the relationship. Contrary action can turn moments of doubt around.
4. Is your desire to have a commitment motivated by your fear that your partner will leave if you're not Facebook-official? Do you need to be the center of your partner's universe to feel secure in the relationship? If this is your motivation, then it's time for some soul searching. Think about why you're so insecure in your attachments. If you don't figure out how to be less fearful of abandonment then you will find yourself in a committed relationship where you will be preoccupied with your partner's fidelity.
The "figuring things out" stage of a relationship doesn't have to be all stress and anxiety. Instead of envisioning your wedding, keeping lists of your future kids' names and looking at real estate between your apartments, try to stay in the moment and just enjoy where you are. In the end, if you feel you've given the relationship a fair shot (and a decent amount of time) and your partner refuses to commit, it's probably time to say goodbye and figure things out with someone else.