It happened. You have found that relationship you always hoped you would find. You have found a person with whom you share not only an intense chemistry, but also a truly deep heart and soul connection. You have created an amazing relationship place with this person. You are genuinely and totally happy.
Just when you think nothing can disrupt that amazing relationship place, it happens. Your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend (we'll just collectively refer to them as the "ex") starts contacting you. They start calling you, sending you text messages and leaving you voicemail messages. They want you to give your relationship with them another try.
It's amazing. Ex's always seem to find their way back into your life to dump all their issues on you at the very moment when you're most happy with someone else. It's like they have a special radar which alerts them that it is the perfect time to try to get you back at the very moment you are in this most happy place.
So what do you do? How do you respond to this crusade to win you back? Many people, out of the best of intentions and out of a residual feeling of caring for their ex, will not be totally honest in how they respond. Not wanting to hurt their ex, many people will either not give their ex a definitive "no" to their request and/or will downplay the depth of their feelings and commitment to their current significant other.
This is not the best way to respond to an ex. Although not intended as such, this kind of "soft pedal" response to an ex actually is damaging to all parties involved as well as to your current relationship. Here are four reasons why you need to be totally open with your ex:
1. Your Ex Will Believe There Is A Chance Until You Tell Them Otherwise: An ex who comes to you after having an "epiphany" wherein they decide they are a new person and that you need to give your relationship with the "new them" a second chance, feel very strongly that their epiphany is a truth. They believe with absolute certainty that what they feel is the right thing for both of you. When you respond to an ex in this situation, then, you must keep any measure of ambiguity out of your response. It is imperative that you are clear.
If you do not respond to an ex's plea with a very definitive "no," your ex will continue to believe there is still some chance to convince you to say yes. You need to be totally honest with your ex and tell them that there is no chance that the two of you will get back together. You need to be completely open about the fact that you are not only with someone else, but that you are with someone for whom you have very deep and intense feelings.
2. You Are Not Sparing Your Ex's Feelings: As I indicated above, you need to be totally upfront and honest with your ex about everything at the first sign that they are seeking to try to reconcile with you. You are doing no one any favors when you "protect an ex's feelings" by not being totally upfront with them. When you fail to be totally open and honest with your ex, you are not protecting them from hurt. You are instead causing them more hurt because you are not making it clear to your ex that there will be no second chance together.
You need to realize that when an ex decides they need to reconcile with you the minute they discover you are at your most happy place with someone else, your ex is doing this because in reality they are not happy. Deep down they still have feelings for you, but those feelings are all about their own issues and not about yours. So you need to clearly dispel any thoughts in your ex's head that their perceived feelings are about you, so that they can see that they need to address their own issues which are the real cause of their unhappiness. To fail to do this will only ultimately cause your ex more hurt down the line.
3. You Are Hurting Yourself: It is also important for you to completely let your past with your ex go in order for you to move forward and have the love that you really deserve. When you allow an ex who has invaded your space to linger there, you are causing yourself a lot of unnecessary hurt and preventing yourself from progressing on your own emotional path.
You already know that your ex is an ex for very important reasons. They're an ex because you already learned the lesson that they did not satisfy you in ways you needed to be satisfied. They are an ex because your heart was not touched by them in ways your heart needed to be touched. Your ex is an ex because they weren't able to get into your soul and get deep into your core like you needed. You are with someone currently who does meet all of of these needs for you, so you need to completely let your past go so you can concentrate on the person with whom you are developing a true and deep connection.
4. You Are Causing Damage To Your Current Relationship: You need to also remember that each time an ex invades your space, it hurts the sacred space you are forming with the person with whom you are currently in a relationship. The only result for you when an ex invades the sacred space you've set up with a new person, is that stress will be brought into your life and your current relationship for no reason at all.
You have met someone with whom you have been developing and experiencing a true soul connection. Allowing your ex to continue to bring stress and pain to you and to your relationship dynamic will inevitably put a strain on the bond you're building with your significant other. Your current significant other will feel disconnected from you both by your involvement in dealing with your ex, but also in their frustration in being completely unable to help you. There is no reason to allow an ex who will not be a part of your life to affect the amazing connection you have been creating.
So the next time an ex comes into your life when you are happily involved with someone else, you need to be wise in how you respond. You need to be as open and honest with your ex about your feelings about them and about your current relationship as you are with the person you're currently seeing. The reason you with the person you're currently seeing is because you feel free to be yourself in the purest form. It is in everyone's best interest that you do so. So even though it is not always easy, being completely open and honest with an ex is the kindest thing you can do for your ex, for your current relationship and for yourself.