When it comes to beverages, I like to keep things simple. I drink my beer from a glass, and my coffee from a cup.
So when it emerged last week that a Melbourne café was selling a "deconstructed flat white" -- that is -- a coffee served in its constituent parts on a wooden board -- it spurred me into action.
You see, we can't keep our heads in the sand anymore. We can't keep ignoring the evidence that says hipsters are real, and that they are happening now. Even the BBC, normally a bastion of restraint and common sense, suggested that this could be our end of days.
It's time to take up arms against this terrible pandemic. If you exhibit any of these symptoms, please contact your health professional immediately.
1. Overruse of the Word Awesome
That date you just had? Awesome. That burrito you just choked down? Awesome. That weather? Totally freaking awesome.
There are literally* dozens of words in the English language that you could have used instead. Do yourself a favour -- search for synonyms to the word 'awesome' and open yourself up to a whole new galaxy of linguistic possibility.
*note correct use of the word 'literally.'
2. Crusading against gluten
No, I don't want any of your gluten-, dairy-, sugar- and joy-free banana bread. I don't like my snacks with a side of sanctimony.
Don't get me wrong, I think it's great that you've embarked on this health drive, and I'm happy for you. But spare me the lecture on gluten and it's terrible effect on climate change, cold fusion and the War on Terror. Its getting hard to stomach.
3. You're clued up on Scandi-drama.
British and American shows give you a Wallander-esque scowl. You know exactly who Sidse Babett Knudsen is, and squealed with knowing delight when Pilou Asbaek was cast in Game of Thrones. You can't help it -- you're a sucker for windswept vistas, grey clouds and stories darker than a Viking's beard. Speaking of the latter...
4. You have uncontrollable facial hair
If I called you a pogonophile, you'd be forgiven for thinking I'd accused you of something quite unsavoury. Fear not though as this simply means you're an admirer of facial hair, one of the millions who love the sight of a hairy monstrosity on a man's face.
Beards are great when you're trekking through an Alaskan wilderness or gathering firewood. They're less appropriate, however, when you're hanging around in Urban Outfitters telling everybody how much better The Roots sound on Vinyl than CD. It's time we gave the beard back to the alpha males and woodsmen where it belongs, and devoted ourselves to the quest of keeping our opened avocados fresh in the refrigerator.
Hopefully you know now about these danger signs, and have the tools to stop them when they make an appearance. You never know, it may just be enough to save your friends from becoming insufferable bores, and save thousands of social gatherings in the process.