It has recently come to my own heart that not only are we (read: me) so good at being our own enemy and constructing our own obstacles, but the reaction to such only creates the cycle again.. and again.
There are a few major understandings I now have with the universe and the energies that be. It only took me 37 years to start to "get it" and at least now I know that in "getting it," I know that it, too, will change as quickly as it was welded into place for me to gain said knowledge.
1. Learn Your Lessons the FIRST TIME:
The pains and the hurts and the losses are the cost I paid to gain eventual self-acceptance. Finally beginning to stand in yourself with clarity and full-stop acceptance is the most priceless thing you'll ever pay for with your experiences. If you can see it that way, you can embark on new challenges and hardships as exactly that: Challenges to respond to the hard stuff in order to learn something new which makes it easier next time. Even better,maybe you avoid it all together! I assure you if you do not, the same lessons cue up again... maybe not tomorrow, but they come back in rotation.
2. Forgive nearly everything with abandon:
(See #1) If you can learn what you need to from one of life's attacks or labyrinths there is no reason to stay angry or blame. Be it trusting a friendship or a marriage, a lack of attention to detail or my own procrastination I'm fully accountable for either contributing or not drawing the necessary boundaries to hold on to myself. First, forgive yourself. There are no guarantees anyone else will no matter how or what your intentions of remorse and apology are. Then, forgive them. We all have our reasons. Sometimes they make sense; most of the time we aren't working with all the information. With that, accept and forgive. I know for me, it is one of the most freeing and quick ways to lighten life's emotional load upon my shoulders.
3. Let go lightly:
I'm just as guilty as the next to want to make grand gestures to either push someone away for good or chase them down begging re-entry into their lives. I'm all done with that now. It is important to know that letting go means whatever you want it to mean to YOU. No huge statements needed. No punishment, no martyr cries to all who will listen that you've "been besmirched, and oh the Woe!" I found out only recently how refreshing it feels to lightly go my own way; to lightly make my finer points only to know for myself that I offered my perspective and then passively slip out of the proverbial party. I've learned this much: If someone has chosen to see you with a certain angle or commit to their narrative of how things went down...NOTHING you do will change that. So why bother? Just push the little "eject" button and slide right on out.
4. Be in defenselessness:
This might be my favorite and yet my nemesis of life. Deepak Chopra says:
"Relinquish the need to defend your point of view. In defenselessness, you remain open to all points of view, not rigidly attached to one of them."
This is a hard one for me but it has become the little secret to my happiness. It is very easy to get caught up in defending your point, your children, your behavior, your intentions, jeez- I even have to defend the way I dress now sometimes. I've stopped.
To be defenseless is the courage and strength in staying honest and vulnerable. It is recognizing that "your truths" are just that... YOURS. No matter how well you articulate or behave or redeem yourself! Needing to gain some outside acceptance or understanding is a far too difficult of a goal. It's not even within your control! There are too many factors: the baggage of the opposer, the life circumstance, their beliefs, who is present as witness...etc. To waste your energy proving people wrong or even just proving your right to be as you are, is like throwing a huge rock at a granite wall hoping that it will crack. It might, eventually, but what good is the crack? How long are you willing to exhaust yourself?
Learn, Forgive, let go lightly and be in defenselessness.
No one said it would be easy. I didn't expect my existence to be a cakewalk. I have done some dumb things. I've also done some really thoughtful and loving things, too. I owe no one all my explanations. I owe myself. So before you can begin to apply any of the above to the outside world, make sure you approach yourself with gentle kindness and the four steps. You owe it to YOU.