Relationships don't exist in a vacuum. They exist between two emotional human beings who bring their own past experiences, history, and expectations into it. Two different people also have different levels of skill when it comes to communication. Improving your communication can readily be learned.
The most popular myth about communication in relationships is that since you talk to your partner, you're automatically communicating. While talking to your partner is indeed a form of communication, if it's primarily about everyday, "surfacey" topics ("How were the kids?" "How was work?" "How's your mother?"), you're not really communicating about the important stuff. This article is primarily about how to talk in a more open and rewarding manner with your significant other.
Communication either makes or breaks most relationships. You can improve your relationship today, right now, by putting into practice some of these tips for improving the communication in your relationship.
1. Stop and listen.
How many times have you heard someone say this? How hard is it to actually do when you're "in the moment?" Harder than it sounds. When we're knee deep within a serious discussion or argument with our significant other, it's hard to put aside our point for the moment and just listen. We're often so afraid of not being heard, we rush to keep talking.
You've stopped talking for the moment, but your head is still swirling with all of the things you want to say. So you're still not really hearing what is being said. Therapists have a technique that works very well in these situations -- rephrasing what a person has just said to them. This helps keep you focused and your mind where it needs to be -- listening to your partner's feelings.
This may upset a partner if you do it too much, or do it in a tone that suggests you're mocking rather than trying to seriously listen. So use the technique sparingly, and let your partner know why you're doing it if they ask.
2. Be open and honest with your partner.
Some people have never been very open to others in their life (and many people don't even know themselves very well). But to be in a relationship is to take a step toward opening up your life and opening up yourself.
Hiding your emotions behind a cloak of invincibility might work for you, but won't work for most others. Pretending everything is alright isn't alright. And giving your partner the silent treatment is about as useful as a fish with a bicycle. In the desert. At night. These things may have "worked" for you in the past, but they are all barriers to good communication.
Being open means talking about things you may have never talked about with another human being before in your life. It means being vulnerable and honest with your partner, completely and unabashedly. It means opening yourself up to possible hurt and disappointment. But it also means opening yourself up to the full potential of all a relationship can be.
3. Pay attention to nonverbal signals.
Most of our communication with one another in any friendship or relationship isn't what we say, but how we say it. Nonverbal communication is your body language, the tone of your voice, its inflection, eye contact, and how far away you are when you talk to someone else. Learning to communicate better means that you need to learn how to read these signals. Reading your partner's nonverbal signals takes time and patience, but the more you do it, the more attuned you will be to what they're really saying, such as:
- Folded arms in front of a person may mean they're feeling defensive or closed off.
- Lack of eye contact may mean they're not really interested in what you're saying, are ashamed of something, or find it difficult to talk about something.
- Louder, more aggressive tone may mean the person is escalating the discussion and is becoming very emotionally involved. It might also suggest they feel like they're not being heard or understood.
- Someone who's turned away from you when talking to you may mean disinterest or being closed off.
All the while you're reading your partner's nonverbal signals, be aware of your own. Make and maintain eye contact, keep a neutral body stance and tone to your voice, and sit next to the person when you're talking to them.
4. Stay focused in the here and now.
Sometimes discussions turn into arguments which can then morph into a discussion about everything and the kitchen sink. To be respectful of one another and the relationship, you should try and keep the discussion (or argument) focused to the topic at hand. While it's easy to get in the cheap shots or bring up everything that an argument seems to call for, resist the temptation. If the argument is ostensibly about who's making dinner tonight, keep it that topic. Don't veer off down the country road of who does what in the house, who's responsible for child rearing, and by the way, who cleans the kitchen sink.
Arguments that do veer off tend to escalate and grow larger and larger. One party needs to make an effort at that point to try and de-escalate the argument, even if it means walking away from it, literally. But do so as respectfully as possible, saying something like, "Look, I can see this isn't going to get any better by discussing it tonight. Let's sleep on it and try talking about it with fresh eyes in the morning, okay?"
Nobody is a perfect communicator all the time. But you can work to become a better communicator by trying these few tips. They won't all work, nor will they work all the time. Better communication, however, starts with one person making the effort to improve, which often encourages the other to come along for the ride.
Looking for more tips to improve your communication? Check out 5 more tips on improving your communication with your partner. Are you feeling connected with your partner? Take this quiz to see how connected are you right now with them.