I had an incredibly emotionally packed summer, and all the lessons I learned are finally coming together and bringing me closer to myself. I feel happy and balanced, and this is exactly why I started to see professionals -- of different kinds. I know what it's like to insist with great conviction that you don't have any issues you need to face. I did the same thing for years. But there were certain areas of my life that were not exactly going how I would have liked. I sabotaged my life experiences with my words that all was OK and my thoughts shaped my future -- and not in the direction that I wanted. And if you keep getting the same result that you aren't happy with, then it's worth having a look at where you are going wrong. It's easy to blame others but -- if you keep finding yourself in the same situation over and over, then it might be time to face the fact that you might be generating the whole thing.
Once you start working on a relationship with yourself that sets a standard, you will start attracting similar types of relationship in all the other areas of your life. You will have set the bar high and if you know what you deserve then you won't compromise yourself for anyone.
But it's best if you do one thing before you start -- be honest with yourself. Because if you don't admit to yourself what you need to face, if you cover, if you sweep those things that hurt under the carpet, then you are lying to yourself. You are showing a false picture of yourself and you aren't free. But the moment you decide to look under the carpet and face all the dust under there, that up till this point you tried to cover up as if it wasn't there, then something will change in you. You will no longer cover your hurts and your scars because you will understand that someone is not strong because they cover up their feelings, but they're strong because they face them. You will dare to show your feelings in future and if the other person understands why you feel a certain way they will be grateful you trusted them to let them know and might even help you get rid of any bad feelings. Or in a worse case scenario they will just see that you aren't perfect. And in that moment you will feel unconditional love in every fibre of your being, even those bits which you wish didn't exist.
Decide whether you want to be right or whether you want to be happy. As hard as it is sometimes, I chose the latter.
1.Find a mentor
When was the last time someone told you that you were capable of anything? When did someone honestly believe in you? If you can recall such an experience, then you're lucky. This kind of attitude isn't too common here at home. Many complain that no one around them understands them and that people just try to pull you down, which makes you feel like you don't want to try anything.
This is the exact reason why you should find yourself a mentor. Someone who you look up to, someone who believes in you and who offers you support. Someone who pushes you to constantly come up with new goals, someone who can give you tips and tools so that you can actually reach these goals, and someone who will celebrate with you when you succeed. This person could be a coach, a psychologist, anyone who gets you and who you feel can help you.IMPORTANT:
The most important work you have to do, is to work on yourself.
If you go see a psychologist when you feel everything is fine, you can overcome blocks that don't appear in your life at that particular moment, but which might blow up as a time bomb in the future, because our life circumstances are constantly changing. I believe this is the best way to "cleanse" your life. Not to mention that the more you live your life in awareness, the better you are able to get what you want out of life. In your relationships, in your career, in all facets of life.
2. Don't blame yourself constantly
The biggest present you can give yourself is to face those things that you think you stuffed up. Saying sorry to yourself is hard, but definitely worth a try. You can't live your life to the full when you are constantly storing bad feelings about yourself, which can break to the surface at any time and turn you against yourself.
Don't hurt yourself, enough people do that already.
I know what it's like to fear stuffing up something again and again. You can decide not to even try, whatever it may be. But how about you approach the situation from a different angle? What if you stop blaming yourself and calling yourself a "loser," "hopeless" or "good for nothing" and accept that making a mistake is always going to be part of the deal. Understand that everyone makes mistakes or bad decisions sometimes, but this doesn't make you a bad person.
Don't think that someone who makes mistakes is a bad person, because a truly lovable person is someone who takes responsibility for their mistakes, tries to learn from them and strives to never make the same mistake again.
Tip: With this in mind, take a good look at the people that surround you. Some in Hungary are mean and wish bad on others, but as we have seen over number of years, this hasn't done them any favours and maybe it's time we got to the bottom of it. Not everyone is a good person. But I'm sure there have been situations where you've judged somebody without really knowing them. Perhaps it's a good idea to examine why you reacted the way you did. The other person is always a mirror -- when you react, you might see something you want but don't have. Why not try to cultivate empathy for those people that you judged in the past? If you no longer hate yourself and accept that anyone -- YOURSELF INCLUDED -- can make a mistake, because this is a part of life, then you will stop judging others. You will hope that the person will succeed next time and that in the future they decide not to take the path that harms others and themselves.
Exercise: Write a list of all the bad decisions you think you have made or of those things that you still make yourself feel bad over. Part two is a real life hack but it's worth a try. Sit in front of a mirror, look into your eyes and read your list to yourself. It won't be easy. Afterwards, forgive yourself. One of my friend tried this and she ended up crying because it turned out that due to things that had happened to her in childhood, she thought she wasn't good enough. As a result she kept getting herself into situations that would reinforce this view. When she sat in front of the mirror she told herself for the first time "I love you," and "I forgive myself." Since then she is never down on herself or calls herself a loser or similar.
For you to feel such things as love and forgiveness with others means you have to feel these things with yourself first. Otherwise you will be looking for these things from others, and the problem with that is that if that other person suddenly disappears then you end up falling apart. If you can't tell yourself HONESTLY, "I love myself" or "I forgive myself for what happened", how can you honestly expect to do this with someone else? It's not going to work -- or at least it won't be too honest.
I call positive "nos" those things that get in the way when we really want something. We are trying to achieve a goal and we get stuck on the road to achieving it. You really want something but an important step in getting it isn't happening, no matter what you do, which is why you will work even harder in turning that no into a yes. This is why it's important to write a list of your goals (it's important they are achievable -- some you can even achieve next week for example) and start to tick off those ones you achieved. You'll know you are on the right track when amongst the ticks, some remain unticked. All ticks would be suspicious and where you achieve everything, your motivation will quickly die.
I will give you an example of why this is an important exercise. A few months ago I stuck a piece of paper on a cupboard door on which I started writing a list of my short term goals. On the list was Tony Robbins' event in LA, writer Elizabeth Gilbert's workshop, interview with Elizabeth Gilbert, the Ellen show, a visit to the Airbnb offices, to find an American English teacher who also teaches writing and so on. My list was full of ticks except for getting in to see the Ellen show taping, which could still change as they give out tickets on the day of filming. If I didn't have my list, I would only focus on the fact that this didn't happen for me, even though I really wanted it. But now I can see this in a different light. I could look at my list and see all the things that I had achieved. It would be silly to get into the "nothing ever works out for me" spiral, because this isn't true. "No" here has a totally different meaning.
4.Before you dream of the perfect relationship
I think it's really dangerous when girls start to gather pictures and relationship articles from the net with the hashtag #couplegoals. I have seen it happen.
"I want a relationship just like theirs" and similar thoughts are sent to me but
1. They don't really know if this is a good relationship or not. Things found in the media can gloss over the bad.
2. Everyone is made happy by something different. How do you know this particular relationship would make you happy?
The most important relationship you can have and need to work on is the relationship with yourself.
From my own personal experience, this is one of the most exciting things in the world. It is a cliché but if you are unhappy with yourself (with your looks, your relationships and the way your carrier is going) you will always be looking at others and you will have to come up with some pretty convincing arguments as to why you are where you are today -- which is nowhere. Instead, it would be much better to shut out the outside world and just focus on yourself.
How do you do that, you ask?
Why not write a list of things that you stress about in regards to yourself and try to solve them.
- e.g., you don't have enough time to clean (get a cleaner in!)
- you don't have time or energy to cook (find someone who can help!)
- you hate looking in the mirror (find out why!)
There will be things you can change but also things you will need to accept. A few days ago someone said, "not everyone can be beautiful and amazing", I would just add that this may be true but (!) everyone can work on bringing the most out of themselves. Confidence is attractive!) Bring out the most of your appearance! I know you were taught at home not to seek attention but if you don't feel good in your own skin, you will feel frustrated and others will pick up on this.
Look at your relationships!
Where is the problem?
What patterns keep appearing?
It might be worthwhile not looking for the problem in others right away but to look at what you could do differently to get a different response.
Take the time to find out what makes you happy.
What recharges you and energizes you changes all the time. It's good to know who you are, what makes you happy and in what ways you love something... you want to live your own life, not someone else's.
Do you have something to add to this story?
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