Hey, everyone! If you're reading this, there is a damn good chance you're in college. If so, I hope you're extending your intellectual pursuits beyond keg stands. If becoming a sophisticated lad isn't your M.O, I suggest you read no further. In case you don't know me, I'm really classy. I eat entire gluten-free pizzas by myself, and then later throw them up in new apartment complexes. I sit around watching "Maury" and eating tortilla chips in my boxers. If you'd like to be the epitome of classy too, consider these books the path to your sophisticated salvation.
How to Win Friends and Influence People: Self-explanatory, I think. Nothing says "classy" more than being a manipulative prick. Every sophisticated man needs to know how to gain minions and bend them to his will. Want someone to do a three-minute keg-stand just because you tell them to? You'll learn how to do that. This is basically the ultimate guide to making it as a frat-star. If you're wanting to be the god of a fraternity, look no further for your guide.
Slaughterhouse-Five: Kurt Vonnegut is a classy dude. You'd all do well to remember this. You should read this novel because Vonnegut is the KING of sly digs. Most of his novels are satirical and sassy, and I love it. This classic novel sly-digs the illogical nature of the human race and, as every sophisticated man needs to know, it's important to mock others subtly. When you see a freshman break down during midterms in the library, you're going to need to learn to mock her without her going all Lorena Bobbitt on you.
Valley of The Dolls: As a sophisticated man, you're going to encounter people with a sophisticated addiction: pills. Prescription pills, to be exact. This book about three friends being super fabulous and high on pills in NYC is so dear to my heart because I wish I could just wander around NYC being fabulous and slightly inebriated. This book is important because it'll show any classy man how crazy girls can act when they're on pills. Maybe they'll be prepared when they actually encounter one yelling in the street about mink fur coats and how they need them now. It also teaches you the classy lessons like "How to Date a Billionaire," "How to Make Yourself and Your Obnoxious Friend Famous," and "How to Appear Inhumanly Attractive." Essentially, this book teaches you all the finer points of how to be at a sorority mixer.
Brave New World: Everyone screws everyone. Be a classy man and only screw people you have to in order to get ahead!
Atonement: There are a lot of things to be taken from one of my favorite novels. I learned that you could spend a lifetime trying to atone for a mistake, and how fragile lives are. In this book, the "C" word messes up a lot of people's lives. If you're a classy man, you need to understand that you can't just be calling people that when you're drunk and angry... I learned the hard way. Wish I could've learned this lesson from Atonement sooner.
Being at college becomes easier once you know how to bend people to your will and how not to act drunk. After reading these novels, classiness is second nature. Now if only my box of wine wasn't empty...