In my years as a marriage and family therapist, I worked with many families in trauma, and witnessed first-hand how afraid so many children are – of being alone, of dealing with sad things, of disappointing their families, of not having friends, of being ostracized, abandoned or humiliated, and the list goes on. These deep fears, it turns out, are universal and shared by millions.
In addition, these fears can stay with us (and grow larger and more unwieldy) throughout our adult lives unless we’re guided, trained and encouraged to look at our fears and address them with more bravery, courage, and awareness.
Passionate about helping children expand their confidence and courage and always on the lookout for new resources, I was thrilled to catch up this week with Avril McDonald, a former teacher and an expert in helping children develop bravery in the face of challenge.
Avril is the author of the new Feel Brave Series of books (little stories about big feelings for 4- to 7-year-olds) and Founder of www.feelbrave.com. She established The Friends of Feel Brave charitable arm with the vision to give all children access to tools to help them manage tough emotions and reach their potential working with Educational Child Psychologists. Avril is a former primary school teacher, entrepreneur and a mother, and also a fellow of the RSA whose mission is to enrich society through ideas and action.
Here’s an example of how Avril’s messages help children thrive and the impact they’re having:
Below, Avril shares how we can help children bravely address and face their fears, to live more confidently and courageously:
Kathy Caprino: How did you personally become brave in facing your particular challenges in life?
Avril McDonald: I was incredibly lucky. My childhood was filled with love, laughter, balance, and possibilities. I didn’t suffer the challenges that some children have to bravely face.
My challenge growing up was that I was terrified of things that other children didn’t seem to be afraid of. I experienced my first panic attack at 8 years old, which took us completely by surprise. At that time there was little to no information about anxiety disorders (or mental health for that matter!), so I just lived in fear of having these crazy episodes again. I was terrified of anything new or out of my control. It was only years later when my sister (who was training to be a nurse), came home with some academic material that explained all of the things that I experienced that I felt such relief that there were real names for the things that I felt and that I might not be crazy after all!
Living with anxiety gave me an insatiable curiosity about the mind/body connection. In my teens, I discovered Tony Robbins’ coaching methodologies along with techniques like Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP) and Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT). I loved the idea that you can find the answer to any problem if you just look hard enough.
Learning about how our brains work and strategies to cope (e.g. Mindfulness and Meditation) has helped me accept and manage living with anxiety. It’s also helped me deal with all of the other challenges life has presented me with.
Caprino: What do you want to teach others about bravely and courage?
McDonald: That if we can just learn some basic knowledge about our brains, we can better understand why we might feel the things we do and can better manage our fears.
The earlier we can teach children the basics about the brains they come into this world with (in fun and simple ways), the sooner they will start to recognize when (for example), their “Cheeky Monkey” (the old brain responsible for basic physical desires, motives and emotions such as the fight, flight or freeze responses) is doing something that their “Wise Owl” (the “New Brain” that enables us to think, imagine and reason and gives us our sense of self) might be able to help them with. I wish I had known as a child that a panic attack is simply my brain having a bit of a chemical overload (my cheeky monkey jumping off the walls) and that my wise owl could help calm it down with some well-rehearsed breathing and mindful techniques.
I’d also like to teach that whatever we are feeling, someone else out there will have felt it too and might have just the right strategy to help us and that it’s OK to ask for help.
I think that the more open we can be about change, loss, grief and fear, (and the more we practice simple strategies to cope), the more resilient we will be when we are inevitably faced with those challenges.
Caprino: How do your books tackle this topic? What’s different about your approach?
McDonald: There is so much knowledge and robust research available now about how our brains work and how such practises as “Mindfulness” or “Meditation” can be as effective as antidepressants and allow us to “self-regulate” our emotions.
We also know how important it is in our stressful and distracted world to help children build “Resilience” and what Carol Dweck coined as a “growth mindset.”
My approach is to try and curate all of this great information and bridge it into the mainstream by (hopefully) creating characters and beautiful stories that children fall in love with that are teaching them how to feel brave (without them even realizing it). At the same time, I hope to give adults simple practical strategies to weave into children’s everyday lives to support their emotional development.
Each of the Feel Brave Books presents a real life problem that most children face and offers a really simple strategy to cope with it. In each story, Wolfgang is faced with a big feeling such as fear of the dark in The Wolf and the Shadow Monster (where he learns to shrink something scary in his mind — a simple cognitive behavioral therapy technique called “reframing”) to feeling left out in The Wolf Is Not Invited (where he learns to “make his own fun” and finds a new friend), to being overwhelmed by worry in The Wolf and the Baby Dragon (where he learns to share his worries and a little Gratitude poem to use if he ever wants to calm down and feel good).
Caprino: What is bravery exactly, and why are so many of us missing it?
McDonald: The Oxford Dictionary defines “brave” as “ready to face and endure danger or pain; showing courage (not deterred by pain or danger). To endure or face unpleasant conditions or behavior without showing fear.”
I don’t totally agree with this definition because we might not always be “ready” or choose to face and endure danger or pain though we still bravely face it. I also think that showing our fear (and being vulnerable as Brene Brown has so eloquently expressed) is extremely brave.
If I could redefine “brave,” I would define it as “facing our fears with love.”
I wouldn’t say that we are missing it — great courage and bravery is everywhere. I think that what we are missing is bringing it to the forefront of early education by innovating and creating great resources for parents and teachers to be able to help young children build emotional intelligence, resilience and to love, accept and understand themselves and others. I believe that these are the greatest tools we can have to help us “Feel Brave.”
Caprino: What are your top five tips for adults to help children feel brave?
McDonald: Here are the most powerful tips I can offer:
Teach children about their brains as soon as you can.
Like a dog, our “Old brain” (Cheeky Monkey) is most useful to us if it’s trained well by our “New Brain” (The Wise Owl). When we understand how we operate, we can better manage anxiety and fear.
Practice calming down.
Mindfulness and Gratitude exercises can be easily accessed on the internet and are a great way to calm down and “self-regulate” our emotions. Slow and deep breathing makes us feel better, it releases happy hormones (e.g. dopamine) and reduces stress hormones (e.g. cortisol) and helps children to move into a positive mental state.
Reframe scary things.
Play around with storytelling. If something is scaring a child you can re-tell their story back to them making the scary thing funny, small or cute.
Use stories and role play to practice different coping scenarios.
Children love nothing more than role playing a tough situation they are facing when you play the part of them or you share a similar story from your childhood. Role playing gives them a safe environment to try out different scenarios.
Help children build resilience and a growth mindset.
Give children opportunities to experience risk, problem solve and to manage disappointment in a safe environment. Encourage statements like “Mistakes mean I’m learning” or “It’s not that you can’t do it, you just can’t do it yet“ and praise and reward the “process” of learning rather than just the end results.
Although our world has never been more distracted (and our children will have some complex problems to solve), technological advances mean that we understand more about ourselves now than ever before. I believe that our world is ripe and ready to innovate and share ideas that can help children adapt to their world and thrive. I’m excited to try and be a part of making that happen.
For more information, visit FeelBrave.com.
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