My marriage crumbled on a vacation nine months ago. In the six months immediately after I was rushing . . .getting our nesting arrangement set up, negotiating near term custody, figuring out the finances, renting furniture, buying furniture, working full time this list is endless. Every free moment was spent on getting life organized and comfortable for our family in this new way.
And then, like a subtle creep life slowed down. Nights at home alone, kids at their dads for 5 days at a time. Now I find myself on a holiday weekend with very little plans faced with myself and what I call the Big Empty.
The Big Empty is a combination of sad and lonely. It’s a heaviness on my heart that makes my eyes look sad and increases the depth of my wrinkles. It only hits when I am physically alone and it terrifies me.
I know facing the emptiness, sitting with it and learning from it is part of my journey. But I also know that balancing out the aloneness with something productive and pleasurable is important too. Here are my five fixes:
Make plans with friends
The last thing I want to do when I feel this way is to hang out with people. But for me, people are often the antidote to changing my focus and feeling relief. This weekend I did dinner with a girl friend and a move with another.
Move your body
The ice cream calls. The chocolate calls. I want to do nothing but sit in a dark room with comfort food. Instead I’m getting active. Took a surfing lesson yesterday and a hike the day before. Tomorrow I’ll do another hike. Being outside brings me peace of mind and moving my body makes me feel good about myself.
Create something
You don’t need to call yourself an artist to create. You could make a piece of art. Reorganizing or redecorating a room is also creative. You could write a poem, sing a song or tackle an adult (or kids!) coloring book. Anything to get the other side of my brain moving will helps improve my spirits.
Eat well
When the Big Empty hits nothing feels more compelling than eating food that is bad for me. To counter this I treated myself to a nice healthy dinner out and went to the store to buy some fresh fruit and vegetables. If I can remind myself that the unhealthy food doesn’t actually make me feel good I can usually get to the next step of eating something healthy. Eating healthy not only feels good but it also improves my self esteem because I am taking good care of myself.
Sleep
With the Big Empty I feel tired in the late afternoon and then all I want to do is surf the internet and read random garbage all night. When I feeling sad and lonely I need to focus on my bedtime to make sure I am not making the situation worse with lack of sleep. Getting to bed at a reasonable hour makes me feel like I am taking good care of myself and the rest feels amazing.
I know the Big Empty will pass and life will improve with time and good choices. One foot in front of the other. . .