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5 Hilarious Things Every Soon-To-Be Parent Should Know

Your house will never be clean again.
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1. Your sex life will never be the same.

Remember when you had sex with your spouse every day, sometimes a couple times a day, or had spontaneous sex around your house? Burn those memories in your brain, because you will never make new ones. You may be thinking, "That won't happen to me!" Hell yes, it will happen to you! I always thought I had an overly zealous sex drive, but after I had my twins, sex was the last thing I wanted. Both my husband and I were so damn tired that if there was a spare five minutes, we'd rather nap than f*@k. And if you breastfeed, the last thing you want is another human being touching, grabbing or sucking on you. After a while, you and your spouse will feel obligated to have sex. But instead of that fun, spontaneous sex you used to have, it will be scheduled, like, "Hey babe, I think we should have sex tonight." "OK, sounds good," will be the response. Then when you get into bed, you will be arguing about who is going to be on top because both of you are so damn tired that you both want to be on the bottom. Then by the time you decide who will be on top, you'd rather just snuggle and sleep. Don't worry, your sex life will get better over time, but sometimes while having that quickie you may have to endure your kids yelling as you try and block their screams from the monitor right by your head or the banging of their fists on the door while they call, "Mommy! Daddy!"

2. You will never sleep again.

Remember when you could sleep in late after a night out, or just a night spent watching movies? Well, you won't be doing either of these things after your little one arrives. Instead, you will be waking up at all hours of the night, either feeding your newborn or dealing with your toddler who just won't stay asleep. The endless nights of interrupted sleep will make you cranky, irritable, and just downright unpleasant to be around. The sleep deprivation will cause you to argue about stupid things with your spouse, you will forget what you did an hour ago or what you ate yesterday, and you may even feel depressed. And don't be fooled by parents who tell you that as soon as your child is sleep trained, you'll sleep again. Not the case. Sure, they'll sleep longer, but if you put them down at 7 p.m., they are sure to wake up at 5 a.m. You will also undoubtedly have to deal with the occasional wake-up-in-the-middle-of-the-night crying where you have to "shhh" them in the monitor to get them to fall back asleep. So it's still no uninterrupted sleep. And unless you plan on going to bed at 9 p.m., you won't get eight hours of sleep ever again. So until they turn 18 and leave the nest, forget it, hook an IV of coffee to your arm and call it a day.

Photo: Shea Curry

3. Your social life will consist of your kid's playdates' parents.

Remember when you were a kid and your parents made you invite those kids down the street or those young relatives to your birthday that weren't your friends? You were forced to play with kids you didn't even really know? That's what it's like when the only adult social life you have consists of your kid's friends' parents. Being forced to play with people who aren't your friends. Don't get me wrong, there are some really cool parents out there. I like to think I'm one of them. But often, you are forced to interact with adults you would never be friends with if it weren't for the fact that your kids were friends with their kids. Listening to hours of uninteresting conversation about nothing or mostly about how fabulous they think their child is can really drive a person to drink. Which, by the way, is my ONLY prerequisite to a playdate. I have endless alcoholic options for any picky parent, so non-drinkers are not allowed. If enduring playdates with annoying parents is not love, then I don't know what love is. Believe me, when my girls are adults I plan on reminding them how much I loved them because I tortured myself for years with these playdates. Hopefully this will guilt them into not putting me into an old folks home.

4. Your house will never be clean again.

Remember when your life was organized? When the floors and countertops were clean? When you knew where everything was? For those Type As, you will literally have anxiety if you don't come to terms with the fact that you will never, ever have a clean, organized home again. My husband told me that having kids would break me, and I guess in a way it has. Things that would drive me nuts in my pre-kid days just don't seem to bother me anymore. I understood early on that if I was going to survive this parenting thing, some things, I just had to let go. And one of those letting go things was having a clean home. I don't even apologize anymore when people come over. I just assume that people understand that the "Tasmanian Devil" type of mess in my home can only be created by my twins. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I just sit in this chaos without a care. It just means, there's nothing I can do about it until after my twins go to bed each day. I spend anywhere from 20-30 minutes post bedtime organizing countless toys in their respective bins, cleaning bottles, sippy cups and dishes from the food fest, and picking up dirty clothes. When the girls wake in the morning and run to play, I calmly sip my coffee while I watch them literally destroy, in five minutes, what took 30 minutes to clean the night before. Coffee helps my overall anxiety about it -- and then comes 5 p.m., when I have my glass of wine to get the buzz started before the big clean after bedtime.

5. You will fall asleep during date night.

Remember when you looked forward to date night before you had kids? Remember how much fun it was to dress up and do your make-up and hair for that cool hip restaurant you're having dinner at? Now, on the rare occasion you have a date night, by the time you get the kids to bed and go over instructions with the babysitter in case they wake, or better yet, go over the instructions for the complicated remote controls for your TV, you will be throwing your clothes on and realizing that your make-up and hair are just fine. After all, you're a mom now and who the hell cares about you anyway? You used to obsess about every detail before you walked out the door, wanting to look absolutely perfect for the world. Now, you're just hoping you'll stay awake for dinner. And you won't. Before the main course arrives, you will start yawning. Your spouse will want to order dessert, and you'll be like, "Babe, I'm so tired. Can we just go home and snuggle?" Yep, snuggle. Ahhh... remember when it was sex? Now, it's date night and snuggle.

So before your little one arrives, enjoy your clean home, make sure to see your friends, have date nights, sleep in and f*@k like rabbits in every room in the house because the life you know now will never be the same.