Do you ever wish you had a rewind button in life and could go back and change a “yes, please” to a “not in this lifetime,” because hindsight is 20/20 and you wasted years with a total loser? At the end of a relationship, if you’re honest with yourself, you saw that your ex showed you who they were in the first 5 minutes. Maybe you didn’t want to see it because you were desperate for love, very attracted to the creep, obeying the “quickest way to get over someone is to get under someone else” rule, or sick of going on first dates with strangers that go nowhere. Whatever the reason was, if you examine how your ex acted in the first few minutes of meeting them, they were giving you all the clues you needed to assess the upcoming relationship.
Tunnel vision wastes time and energy and can lead to heartbreaks. Look at the bigger picture and make better choices.
When I met Adam at a birthday party, he was a very successful guy, super smart, and entertaining but what I I ignored is the little red flags that were flying around like confetti. He immediately followed me everywhere, dictated what I did, how much I drank, and who I talked to. Cut to 5 years later and he was controlling everything I did. He showed me in the first 5 minutes who he was and I ignored it, made excuses for it, and told myself I liked that he controlled me because that’s love. I liked having a sense that someone was watching out for me but after a while, I realized he didn’t really care as much as he liked to control everything around him. If I had stopped to really study his behavior on our first date, I would’ve concluded this immediately and saved myself lots of tears.
I met Chris on a dating app and we met for dinner. In the first 5 minutes he told me he’s fifty and has never married and has never been in a long-term relationship. He waved the red flag but I’m a project manager who had just found her next project. He was charming, very affectionate, and seemed to have his life in order but there was one other red flag running around his house in the form of a cat. My guy friends vehemently warned me that a guy with a cat couldn’t be trusted, but I ignored them. Chris ended it as soon as it was turning into a real relationship. That first 5 minutes could’ve saved me 5 weeks but I’m such a sucker for a project.
There have been a few times that I did pay attention on the first date and saved myself from wasting anymore time. Dustin talked nonstop about himself which would equal a relationship that was all about him. Harry was late and made an excuse about traffic, I actually gave him another chance and again, he was late. A relationship with him would be spent dealing with his poor time management and lack of respect for other people’s time. Timothy talked angrily about all the drama with his ex-wife and all I could think was, “I don’t ever want to be his ex!” These are extreme examples and I’m not saying that it’s 100% true of every guy, but the odds are, if I would’ve gotten involved, I would’ve had a relationship with a narcissist, a late narcissist, and an angry narcissist.
One of the most important decisions you’ll make is about who you’re going to spend the rest of your life with. Your time is the most valuable thing, don’t waste it working towards a heartbreak. You should do your due diligence, as you would when you’re buying a house. You don’t buy a home after seeing it for the first time and you shouldn’t move in with a guy after the first date. Research the hell out of your date, this is when the internet comes in handy. Make sure he isn’t married with kids, has a warrant, or is featured on To Catch a Predator. If a guy is a sociopath, he might fool you for the first 5 minutes, that’s why it’s good to Google.
A friend of mine told me about a tool he uses when he meets a girl. After the first date, go home and ask yourself, “What would this relationship look like in 6 months?” Envision a life with the person and see if it looks like something you’re interested in. I went out on a first date with a guy named Brent recently and after I got home I did a complete analysis of our future relationship. I thought that we would grow very close, really care about each other, talk a lot, talk some more, analyze our relationship, point out the issues, and work through them ad nauseam. Is that a relationship I could get involved in? No, because he never stopped talking and he overanalyzed everything to death, even the breakup, which took place because I said, “Yes, please.”
Another tool is to make a very specific list of what you want in a mate and as soon as you find out they’re an alcoholic and that’s on your non-negotiable list, you have to be done, no excuses. To save yourself current time and future time you have to observe what’s going on during the date and know what you want. If you really pay attention to how someone acts towards you, how they treat others, and what they’re telling you, you’ll know if they’re the right person for you pretty quickly and could save yourself from wasting years with them. You can’t buy more time so make sure you spend it wisely and don’t give it away to people who don’t deserve it like control freaks, narcissists, and noncommittal cat men.