5 Simple Ways to Get 100 Million Twitter Followers

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Great minds think alike, just some slower than others

Face it, it's impossible to get 100 million followers without going to the darkside. Forget marrying into a very large Chinese family, crowdfunding, counterfeiting -- I mean Bitcoin, or white slave trafficking -- it's all a major fail whale. The traditional ways of the old country are best.

Having stumbled upon the supernatural secrets during a bender in the Carpathian mountains, I am happy to now share these highly unorthodox and somewhat unethical methods with the adventurous and the tweetaholic. So without further adieu:

5 Simple Ways to get 100 million Twitter followers:

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1. Vampirism

Living for an eternity covers a multitude of sins.

Some of the more remedial bloodsuckers out there, might just follow/followback forever, in a "friendapalooza" to get the 100 million. However, the smart play is to bite and turn high profile "Twitterati" accounts: Boy Bands, Bullet Bra Slags, Donut Lickers and Crazed Dictators. Once they are your pliable "Igors", it's just a hop, skip and jump away from getting them to tweet:

"If you really love me, you'll follow: 'Your Name Here".

Voila! But seriously, only quitters stop at a 100 million.

So kicking it vampire style is key. It's time to stop being a morning person and go get bitten, just suck it up and Drac it out. You only live once, but you're undead forever. Hanging out in graveyards, or going to Celine Dion concerts are your best bets to get fang-banged.

Note: When turning, you might experience some mild unpleasantness for a few moments, not unlike a blood drive -- just without the free orange juice and cookies.

2. Reanimation

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For the more squeamish about being the undead, another road less traveled is creating your own Twitter followers by reanimation. The easiest way is to get plenty of interns with names like: "Igor", "Renfield" and "Rotwang'' to dig up new accounts and old acquaintances at your local cemetery; while you're busy playing Dr. Frankenstein in the castle laboratory.

Just be forewarned, your electricity bills are going to look like they have marijuana "Grow House" written all over it. So have plenty of spongecake on hand for those unexpected DEA pop-ins.

3. Forget Hard Work-Go Mindless Zombies

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Whoever said "No one ever died from a little hard work" was probably a funeral director. So garnering an army of mindless zombies might be your ticket. The easiest way to do that on Twitter is to join a boy band and then go solo.

Dye your hair. Lie about your age, and say you're 17. Write a monster hit song. Win a Grammy of the Year award. Behave badly, and above all, Tweet total idiocy. Rinse and repeat. Hey, 100 million mindless zombies can't be wrong,

4 Hostile Takeover-Vampire Style

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It's good to be the Prince of Darkness. Assuming you're still kicking it vampire style, another option is to turn your maleficent focus on the "Powers That Be" -- namely Twitter.

The best thing about vampirism is that you bite two people, and they bite two people, and so on and so on. This can come in very handy when taking over the annual Twitter shareholders meeting. Just make sure it's in the evening.

Once you have installed your minions as the new Board of Directors, or just bitten the existing Board Members, you are now the Master of the Twitterverse. You have the right to be "egotwistical". Even your latte orders will taste Twitter-ific.

Bonus: You can put whomever in Twitter Jail and throw away the key.

Keeping your 100 million followers

Now it's a matter of keeping your 100 million followers, and steer clear of the obvious pitfalls. As with great power, comes even greater Twitter Crushes

5. Avoid Twitter-Crushes

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Sure, low hanging-fruit is the easiest picked, but you should wash it first. Honestly, being informed by someone you've never met, that they're dying to meet you and driving 10 hours because they're ovulating, is sorta fraught with karmic bitchslap.

Seriously, you can't be an effective Prince of Darkness with some barnacle, psycho-DMing you every 30 seconds, expecting you to Direct Message back immediately, or they go into a 502 bad gateway.

6. (One extra at no charge!) Never Steal Tweets

Hell hath no fury like a Twitterer stolen.

Now that you rule with an iron fist on the Twitter throne; the last thing you need is some little twerp with a wooden stake, bent on revenge, because you recycled one of their tweets without proper credit.

It's good to be the Prince of Darkness, so why constantly look over your shoulder to see if someone is going to stab you in the back? Avoid tweeting altogether -- Bite marks speak louder than words.

Last Word-Blend In

A. Look into the mirror and practice the half-smile -- A lot!

(Of course this is problematic because you most likely have no reflection).

B. Remember: "My eyes are up here, so stop looking at my neck."

C. Ditch the Count Dracula foreign ambassador white tie and tails.
(The dopey cape goes too. Seriously, you're no Batman).

D. Hide in plain site and opt for khakis.

"Charlie don't surf", and vampires don't wear khakis. Trust me.