"I wouldn't act this way if you didn't push my buttons." I watched the words spilling out of my husband's mouth, but couldn't believe what I was hearing. I recognized the blaming, finger pointing, and minimization for exactly what it was - abuse.
Of course I recognized it. I've worked as an advocate and attorney with victims of abuse for years - in fact, my entire career. What I couldn't understand is how I had actually ended up with an abuser. No, my husband never hit me. But, just like so many women I've worked with, I found myself feeling confused, exhausted, and ashamed.
Like so many women, I learned at an early age that my worth came from being accepted, especially by men. And the years of sexual abuse I endured at the hands of my grandfather taught me that I wasn't good enough, smart enough, or pretty enough to ever be treated with respect. I spent years fighting those lessons. I opened up to counselors, immersed myself in self-care, and surrounded myself with supportive friends. I healed. And yet somehow, here I sat with my husband - the man who I thought was the love of my life - as he stood over me and blamed me for his outbursts, cheating, and lies.
Despite my experience and education, it took me almost two years to get away. I endured lying, manipulation, depleted finances, repeated affairs, and emotional abuse, but like so many women, I convinced myself that he was just broken and needed my help. I believed that he was truly a good person and would go back to being the charming, thoughtful man I married - if I just loved him enough. It's the same thing I've heard from countless women I've worked with. And countless times, I've told women that there is nothing they can do to cause the abuse, and nothing they can do to stop it. Yet, apparently, I didn't heed my own advice.
When I finally made the decision to end my marriage, I struggled with how I would ever trust someone again. I doubted my ability to ever feel love or to choose a healthy partner. I knew not all men acted this way, but I had no idea how to find - or identify - the "good" ones. But, since then, I've learned that my husband's behavior was (of course) never my fault. And opening my heart to someone and making a decision to create a life with him was also not a mistake. The fact that the marriage ended badly, or that his behavior changed, is unfortunate, but not something to be regretted. I have learned and moved forward with more wisdom and experience than I had before - which is what growth is all about.
I have learned that there are truly good people out there, and that I'm pretty good at spotting them - if I just trust myself and my instincts. It hasn't been an easy road, but I truly trust myself, and believe in love, again. If you have been abused, you absolutely can find love again. But first, there are a few things you must do.
1. Love Yourself. I know it sounds cliché. And I apologize for sounding like an inspirational quote. But, it's absolutely true. Before you can truly love someone else, you have to actively learn how to love yourself. This doesn't mean just figuratively caring for yourself, it means showing yourself love each and every day.
Think about all the ways you would show a new partner how you love him or her. You might buy them gifts, compliment them, spend time with them, or do nice things to show them you care. To love yourself means to do all of those things - for you. Every day, practice treating yourself like you are your newest, hottest love interest. Treat yourself to things you love. Cook yourself nice meals. Go on dates with yourself. I even started dancing around the house - with myself - and absolutely love it. If you want someone to love you for who you are, you first have to do so yourself. And remember, you set the standard for how a future love interest will treat you.
2. Decide What You Want. So often, we accept whatever a partner has to offer us. Because of the messages we received that taught us we are only worthy if someone loves us, we have learned to lower our standards. But, as long as you don't know what you want, you will continue to meet and get in relationships with people who do not fit in your life. It's critical that you get clear on what you want your life to look like, and how a potential partner would fit into that.
Make a list of the qualities that are most important to you. For me, the top of the list was emotional honesty. Open communication and being able to discuss what we truly think and feel is essential to me. You may know that you want someone who is affectionate or funny, or someone who will go on long hikes with you. Picture your ideal life and the characteristics of the person who would most complement that life.
3. Set Healthy Boundaries. Now that you're clear on what you want, you can work on setting healthy boundaries. If you know that you want someone who is honest, you won't waste time with someone who lies to you. If you know that kindness is important to you, why bother going on a second date with the guy who's rude to the waiter?
Setting boundaries also means expressing what you want and do not want, without fear of how the other person may react. If it is important to you that someone calls when they say they will, tell them that. We often assume that people will know how to treat us, but that's not true, and certainly not fair. Make your standards and expectations known. Then, if someone is not willing or able to live up to them, there will be no confusion or resentment. You'll just know that they are not the right person for you at this time.
4. Reconnect to Your Body. Any form of abuse--physical, sexual, or emotional - can leave us feeling disconnected. For many years, I was only able to have a physical relationship or an emotional relationship with men - never both. This meant that I had a very hard time connecting sexually with someone I was truly in love with. Because of the sexual abuse I endured as a child, I didn't trust my body's reactions. If I was physically attracted to someone, I assumed he must be bad for me, so I would sabotage the relationship quickly. If I cared about someone, I would shut down during sex, to avoid feeling anything. It took years to be able to truly connect emotionally and physically with someone.
Take time to truly get in touch with what your body is feeling, and learn to trust it. Eat healthy foods, do something active every day, and learn to appreciate your body and al that it does. Practicing a form of spiritual exercise, such as yoga or tai chi, can also be very helpful. Yoga was a life saver for me - and for my love life.
5. Know Your Worth. The thing that holds us back from love more than any other is our own belief that we don't deserve happiness. We learn this belief from abusive partners, neglectful parents, and society's constant you're-not-good-enough messaging. I stayed with a manipulative and emotionally abusive partner because, deep down, I believed that's what I deserved.
I learned as a child that I was worthless, and even though I did a lot of work over the years to build my self-esteem, I still believed I would be treated poorly by a partner - and so I was. Whatever we believe we deserve is exactly what we will attract. So, if you believe that all men will always cheat on you - guess what? They will. If you believe that you will always be hurt, you'll prove yourself right about that, as well.
Take time every day to remind yourself that you truly deserve happiness, respect, and love. Write it down, say it to yourself in the mirror, have a trusted friend call and remind you, or all of the above. After several days of writing "I am worthy" in my journal over and over and over again, I finally started to believe it. Just like all other messages, if it's repeated long enough, it will start to sink in. And soon, you will be surrounded by love everywhere you go - by friends, by coworkers, by family members, by yourself (see #1), and before you know it, by your ideal partner.
You absolutely deserve love and respect - each and every day. Why not start now?
[Pamela Jacobs is a speaker, author, advocate, and attorney helping women reclaim their power after physical, sexual, or emotional abuse. Find her at http://pamelajacobs.com.]