Parents

5 Superhero Skills You Hone As A New Mom

03/16/2017 11:30am ET | Updated March 16, 2017

Motherhood is no joke.

Whether you have one kid or 10, your life changes dramatically in every way – some expected and some that smack you right in the face.

I’m on my second child (and last), but my first stint with a newborn was 8 years ago, so it’s been a hot minute. I suppose it’s kind of synonymous to the whole “riding a bike” metaphor…if that bike was on fire and you were being chased by a wild pack of effing hyenas as you desperately tried to get to the nearest body of water (weird analogy? I’m sleep deprived, so deal with it.)

On the bright side, new moms literally discover a whole new set of skills they never even knew they had. Like incognito superheroes.

1) We can do anything with one hand.

Actually, I am typing this as we speak with one hand.

Seriously...see photo above. It’s not a stock photo. It’s real life.

We can also singlehandedly (literally) make coffee, cook dinner, eat a meal, pack your other child’s lunch and snack, do laundry, empty the dishwasher and countless other things.

2) We move at the speed of light.

Seriously, nobody eats a meal faster than a mom with a sleeping baby. I’m talking from unhinging your jaw like a python to get a sandwich down, or shoving a piping hot piece of pizza in your mouth risking third degree burns to the roof of your mouth. I can also shower in about 4.2 seconds (add additional 7 seconds for shaving, 10 if we’re going above the knees). I call it a prison shower. I’ve never been to prison, but I assume you want to be in and out of the shower in record time.

3) We could survive as zombies if there were ever an apocalypse.

Or rather, “mombies”. We don’t only survive on minimal sleep, we effing thrive (see one-handed schtick above). We basically pour coffee down our throats and make shit happen. We put those club kids who could last all night at a rave, to shame. Yeah, you’re cute with your glowsticks and lollipops at 3am…try changing a blowout diaper at 3:30am, like a boss, and then we’ll talk.

4) We are straight up ninjas.

Like for real. We can put a sleeping baby down without them even knowing and then silently army crawl out of the room with the agility and dexterity of a cheetah.

5) We (mostly) hold it together all the effing time.

Despite the major lack of sleep; painful, never-ending bouts of colic; a child who only wants to be held or worn; sore, cracked, bloody nipples; being hooked up to a breast pump when you are not shoving your boobs in your baby’s mouth, and responding to the constant, “mom, mommy, mama!!” calls from your other kids to change the channel on the TV when the remote is right next to them…we just hold it together and make it work the best we can.

So yeah, I think it’s safe to say that moms everywhere are reaching superhero status everyday. It’s just how we roll. Keep killing it, mamas!

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