I have been dealing with anxiety longer than I can remember, but I didn’t always have the language to label it or express my symptoms. I have always been aware of my sensitivities, as people would often tell me I was overly sensitive. However, this lead to being diagnosed with bipolar disorder and then depression, both of which never seemed right to me. It wasn’t until a doctor explained anxiety to me, seven years later, that I realized that’s what I was dealing with. I learned that the symptoms can often be the same as other mental health issues and that’s why it can be challenging to see.
Before I share the five things I wish people knew about my anxiety, I want to clarify that I take responsibility for my actions, and I refuse to use anxiety as a scapegoat for my behavior. I don’t blame anxiety when I am rude to people or I mistreat people, but I recognize that it plays a role in why I do those things and it is my responsibility to acknowledge that and work hard at managing it. I know this to be true because I have been able to manage it more and more as I grow and learn about it.
1. Social situations terrify me.
Many of my friends are what one would consider to be “social butterflies.” We’d go out on weekends, and I would initially be very excited because I love spending time with my friends. However, I’d cling to them. Like stage-five-clinger-type stuff. If they left me alone, which they did often to mingle and meet new people, I’d become unhappy and even sulk. I’d think of reasons why they were being a bad friend and make excuses for why we needed to leave right then. Interacting with new people means I’m opening myself up to the opinions and judgments of more people, and that is more than I can handle. Being left alone with strangers or finding myself in a situation that I didn’t anticipate is so stressful that I’ve learned I experience an adrenaline rush, causing a physical fight or flight reaction.
2. I’m never good enough.
I was often called a perfectionist growing up, but it was never about me wanting things to be perfect. I was always worried that my work, my appearance, my conversation, wasn’t perfect enough for others. Even my dreams were either about people I loved thinking highly of me or someone close to me deciding I was no longer good enough. This leads to obsessing over my appearance and constantly seeking affirmation: two things that don’t exactly make me an easy person to be around. Sometimes this means I put a lot of effort into relationships, which can be great, but other times it’s overwhelming for people. Anything that isn’t blatant affirmation is always seen as negative. There is no neutral for me. Because I put so much effort into making sure people in my life feel affirmed and cared about, I have an expectation that others do the same for me. This of course leads to disappointment and confirmation that I am, in fact, not good enough.
3. Hyperawareness is a blessing and a curse, but mostly a curse.
I analyze everything. Articles I read, movies I watch, people around me, conversations I’ve had, body language, tone of voice – I pick these apart bit by bit, over and over again. There are few details I miss. This has served me well academically, but socially I’m a wreck. Once my mind starts working overtime, I begin losing control. I start to think that people are saying so much more than they are. Am I boring them? What did she mean by that? Is he saying I’m ugly? Do they really want me around? When I get caught in this cycle of questioning everything, I begin to think the worst and find ways to prove that thought to be true. Ultimately, this ends up with me reacting in a way that is entirely disproportionate to the situation. Because of this, I can be emotionally turbulent and what many people would consider “dramatic.” I don’t mean to be and I work my hardest to take situations at face value, but when I even briefly entertain one worried thought it becomes an intense internal struggle. If people knew how I saw the situation and how strongly I believed that my perspective was accurate, my response wouldn’t seem so extreme. It’s something I work hard at not doing, but like every new skill, it’s a process, and I still make mistakes.
4. I worry for you.
Sometimes I can be overbearing and possessive of people. I’ll become extremely agitated when my partner doesn’t text me back or a friend is in a situation I deem unsafe. I worry something has happened to them or will happen to them. This worry becomes so intense that I’m more concerned with making sure they are safe than how my actions might affect them or how ridiculous I might look. This might mean tracking them down through friends or threatening them to make them leave the situation. I am so afraid of losing people that I care for, that my actions always seem rational at the time. It makes sense that I would do something absurd in order to “save” them or make sure they’re okay. It doesn’t register in my mind that they are actually okay and my panic is truly irrational.
5. Rejection is my worst fear.
Most people with anxiety have one major fear that’s the root of all of their symptoms. For me, it’s rejection. I’m terrified of being pushed aside, being unwanted, being alone. This fear is so crippling that I become physically ill at the thought of it. Ironically, I’ve been rejected by romantic partners and most recently by friends because of how this fear manifests itself in my behavior and responses. I lash out when I feel I require more attention, I become emotional when I believe I’m not wanted, and I’m irrational when I fear I might lose someone. What I need people to understand about anxiety is that the scenarios created within my mind are as real as it gets. I work hard to remind myself that my fears are typically irrational. But anxiety is like being in a bad dream: no matter how unrealistic and absurd it might be, the fear is very real.
I’m not asking people to simply accept these behaviors because I have anxiety. Having a relationship with someone who has anxiety is exhausting, and the people who choose to do so are amazing. My hope is simply that people begin to recognize that sometimes there is more going on than meets the eye. Maybe that means recognizing it within yourself or recognizing it in a friend, co-worker, or family member. It’s okay to admit that you’re working on managing your anxiety or to admit that you’re not in a place to support someone who is still learning to manage their anxiety. What’s important is that we acknowledge the reality of anxiety disorders so as a society we can better support the learning process.
