When it came to marriage as a concept, my mom gave single-me amazing advice: find someone who treats you the way you deserve to be treated and don’t settle for less. Those words lead me to choosing my husband who definitely fits the bill.
However, when it comes to marriage on the day-to-day, mom didn’t tell me much. And she didn’t need to. Once you’re wed, you get a crash course in what holy matrimony is really like. Here are five things I’ve learned from my own marriage—and from watching, and admiring, my parents from afar.
It’s a daily choiceMarriage is a commitment bound by law (or by religion, if that’s your thing). But it’s not something forced upon you by doctrine or a piece of paper. It’s something you wake up and say “okay”—or “hell yes!”—to each and every day. Some days are more enthusiastic than others. But the point is that, despite any annoyances, and there are many when you’re spending so much time with the same person, is that you keep choosing your partner.
It’s about restraintWhat you don’t say to your spouse is probably more important than what you do say. Personally, I’ve learned to bite my tongue over dirty dishes chilling (rotting?) in the sink, cabinet doors being left open and socks (oh the socks!) scattered on the floor. I’m sure my husband can attest to being silent when I tell him yet another piece of girl gossip he could care less about or when I whip up barely edible new recipe for dinner. Keeping mum is sometimes the best thing you can do to keep the peace.
It’s unfilteredMy husband and I have a running joke that being married is just like dating except for one thing: more farting. (Yep. You heard me right.) And, as anyone who’s gotten hitched or been in a long-term relationship for many years know, it’s gross, but it’s oh-so-true.
It’s boring—in a good wayI don’t know about y’all but my guy and I take Netflix-and-chilling to a whole new level. Maybe it’s because we have an 11-month-old and don’t have the opportunity to get out as much? But, even before the little babe came along, we spent many a night on the couch (or, let’s be honest, in bed) binge-watching shows and drinking wine. If that makes us lame, I don’t ever want to be exciting.
It gets more love filled as time goes onThe idea that marriage grows stale over time is one that prevails. But my mom and stepdad don’t fit that bill. They’re clearly still madly in love nearly 20 years later. I always assumed that their tokens of affection—particularly my stepdad’s habit to always open the car door for my mom, always—were just that, habits. What I’ve realized however, is that it takes years to ingrain these love rituals into your life. As my husband and I grow together, I can only hope that our affection and care for each other continues to build the way it has for my folks. My mom never told me about this part of marriage but she didn’t have to—I’m lucky I got to witness it.
A version of this post originally appears on Robbins Brothers’ Engaged blog