5 Things To Retire From Your Closet When YOU Retire

Enough with telling us what we are "too old" to wear!

No, this isn’t going to be one of those lists that tells you what you are too old to wear. Our feeling is, if you like something, wear it. If anyone calls it not age appropriate, just tell them you are actually only 24 but haven’t aged all that well.

But there are some things that should retire from your closet along with you. Feel free to add any other items you can think of in the comments below.

1. Bras that you ripped off the minute you got home from work.

We’re not sure why you were wearing them all day anyway, but if you begin unhooking them on the car ride home, they are definitely candidates for the thrift store. 

Underwire bras were invented by a misogynist. Actually they were invented by Howard Hughes for sweater girl-actress Jane Russell to wear in the movie, “The Outlaw.” Hughes’ previous experience ― and perhaps only qualification for the creation of the push-up bra ― was that he designed airplanes. Steel and breasts are the oil-and-water of fashion.

Upon retirement, you should also lose any bras that close in the back and require you to wriggle and squirm to get them on. And it goes without saying that any bra that causes shoulder or back pain deserves to be burned, circa 1962-style.

2. High heels.

There is an excellent chance that a smart woman like yourself long ago kept her heels under her desk and slipped them on on an as-needed basis, spending the rest of the day in flats. 

But chances are, you still have the heels. Sure your niece’s wedding is coming up a year from February, but you will no more want to wear them then than you do now.

Dump the high heels. Dump the low ones too. Make your tootsies happy.

3. The office sweater.

You know the one that has hung on the back of your chair for years because the air conditioning never works right? In case you were wondering, office air conditioners are set for the comfort level of men, not women ― science says!

With fond memories of how you spent menopausal days taking it off and putting it back on, now just put it in the Goodwill pile.


4. The second set of everything.

In your desk drawer or job locker, there is a good chance you have a second comb and brush, a complete set of makeup including face wash and moisturizer, a toothbrush and toothpaste and probably even dental floss.

Your workplace has been your second home. Time to liberate yourself, bring  what you want to your real home and just heave the rest of it into the trash.

5. The non-Mom jeans you bought for casual Fridays.

Maybe they were skinny jeans or super skinny jeans or low-waisted-barely-covering-your-butt-crack jeans. In any case, they were whatever jeans that were trending at the time of purchase. We applaud the valiant effort on your part to fit into the corporate culture. Bet you even hit up the beer taps once just to show you could. But as far as the jeans go, long ago you figured out which brand and style was the most comfortable.

The thing about jeans is that your favorite pair are the only ones you ever really want to wear. Keep those and bag up the rest.

As for the rest of the usual suspects ― shorts for the company picnic, a bikini for the office pool party, pony tail holders for the days you didn’t have time to wash your hair? You have our blessing to wear and not wear whatever you want. Fools, be damned.

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