It's the most wonderful time of the year if you're a parent. Trust me on this.
Yes, you're hemorrhaging money. The long lines suck. Locating the elusive must-haves on your kids' wish lists, remembering gift cards for everyone from the bus driver to the dog groomer to the hairdresser, and the dizzying amount of holiday cookie swaps you somehow committed to can drive you batty. The creativity needed to move your Elf on the Shelf or Mensch on a Bench each night can be taxing, as is tracking the excuses you make when you forget to relocate the little sh*t, but the rewards are sweeter than a candy cane dipped in hot cocoa with Hanukkah gelt on the side.
'Tis the season for leverage, baby.
Leverage is the gift that keeps on giving until Santa makes his much anticipated trip down your chimney, or the last candle on the Hanukkah menorah or Kwanzaa kinara is lit. You can give your usual threats--no TV, no kindle, no Xbox--a much-needed rest. I don't know about you, but I am sick of my own "listen or else" schtick. [Cue evil Grinch laugh.] This month only, I have real ammo when my millionth request to take a shower/lose the attitude/eat breakfast/brush teeth/put toys away/let mommy pee in peace is ignored and you do, too.
Unbeknownst to children, the holidays give mere mortal parents superpowers. Santa, the Elf on the Shelf, the Mensch on a Bench...they're all fabricated little helpers to get you through your most exhausting, most unrelenting, most grueling days. You will save money and calories on your usual wine intake if you put them to good use. Here's how:
1. Temper tantrum in the grocery store? Speed dial "North Pole," which should already be pre-programmed on your cell, and enjoy the stunned silence.
2. Homework anarchy? Change the reading assignment. Suggest they read the Mensch on a Bench rule number four out loud. "Menches are infused with Hanukkah magic. Make sure your kids know if they behave, your mensch will let go easily of the Shamash candle, but if they misbehave, he will hold it tight, and they may not get any presents." BOOM!
3. Kids about to have a smackdown? Stare at the Elf on the Shelf. Make sure your little sinners follow your gaze. No words needed. They will retreat to their respective corners.
4. Older ones doubting Santa's authenticity? A friend of mine ordered customized letters that will make them believe. You can name-drop your kid's best friend, hometown, favorite sport...anything you want in the letter. It's sent from the North Pole on Santa's official stationary. How's that for Christmas magic?
5. Inspector gadget types challenging your authority? Hit them with the photos of Santa in your living room. There's an app for that.
With the kids in check, you can enjoy all the holiday season has to offer. Go ahead, take the long way home to admire the tranquil lights dotting the suburban landscape. Savor a soothing cup of coffee in a Starbucks red cup. Sing over your holiday favorites on the radio loud and proud, mama! If your kids start to snicker in the backseat at your lack of vocal talent, as mine often do, remind them that you have back-up. And that will shut them right up. Happy holidays, indeed.
You can "like" Jodi Meltzer on Facebook, follow her on Twitter, and visit her on Mommy Dish this holiday season. Cheers!