Most of us have a difficult time understanding that learning to let go of anger is an important path to healing, self-compassion, and a deeper connection with ourselves and others.
I have a few questions for you:
How many times have you held a grudge, even if someone has said they're sorry?
An example: You’re pissed at your husband because you don’t think he’s pulling his weight with the housecleaning. Eventually you blow up like a tornado.
He says he’s sorry. You accept his apology. But actually, you’re still furious.
You remain cool and aloof towards him for several days until your anger dwindles enough so that things appear as if they're returning to normal (although there are remnants of anger inside of you).
How many times are you steaming inside because you’re offended by something a friend said or did (and they don’t even know that you’ve been hurt by their words or actions)?
You're seething—rehashing the scenario and wondering how your friend could possibly have behaved this way. It’s not a pretty picture. And it’s certainly not a formula for developing loving and connected relationships.
You’re stuck in an exhausting cycle. You feel frustrated, isolated, and lousy about yourself. You know you have to make some changes but don't know how.
5 Ways to Let Go of Anger
1. Forgive yourself
As a coach I work with individuals who intrinsically know that they’re meant to make more meaning out of their lives: They have a deep desire to create and live their dreams.
But no matter how accomplished or how much love an individual has in her life, it’s rare to work with a client who doesn't have some issues around self-compassion.
So don’t worry, you’re not alone.
Forgiving yourself is a process; it’s not a quick fix.
A good first step is to admit how angry you are with yourself; how ashamed and disappointed you feel. The tendency will be to run from these negative feelings: Why not commit to being courageous and not run?
Allow your self-anger to stop lurking in the shadows: Let it shows its face. Your job is to observe the anger without self-judgment. Focus on staying detached and just looking at it and thinking "Isn't that interesting.... so there it is.... that's the anger that I feel towards myself."
Then take some deep breaths. Inhale and exhale slowly a few times.
By doing this repeatedly, your feelings of self-anger will begin to dissipate. If you're diligent about facing up to these feelings, you'll be surprised at how quickly feelings of self-compassion can replace the negative ones.
2. Give up the need to always be right
Are you someone who doesn't forgive easily? Do you always have to prove that you have good reason to be angry for certain circumstances or perceived actions about someone else doing something negative directed specifically towards you?
When this happens, the default reaction is to run from your fear like a sprinter in a race.
That’s not a good place to be.
A suggestion: Close your eyes and imagine how it would feel if you chose to be silent, rather than needing to prove that you’re right. Initially, it's not an easy thing to do. You’re giving up control (which, in this case, is a sign of health). But with desire and practice, this icy stubborn piece of you will melt into a fresh water river.
3. Don't let other peoples' emotions effect you
The way that someone responds to a situation is a reflection of how she feels about herself. It’s not about you.
When someone is angry at you, look at the situation objectively. Rather than immediately responding, sit quietly and check out your own feelings.
If you've done nothing wrong, you have the opportunity to exercise self-restraint; to say and do nothing.
If your behavior has been hurtful, the easiest and most efficient solution is to apologize.
And that’s it: There is no need for self flagellation. It's important to learn from your mistakes but not to beat yourself up.
Not only does guilt not serve a purpose but it's counterproductive. It keeps you stuck in a place of shame and feeling 'less than'.
Hold your head high and be proud of who you are. Yes, you're perfectly-imperfect! All of us are.
4. Be in the moment
How can you use this phrase 'be in the moment' in learning how to forgive?
You hurt someone, they hurt you. You ask for forgiveness or they ask for forgiveness. It doesn’t matter how the scenario plays out.
The bottom line is that all is forgiven. There is absolutely no reason to re- hash what took place with your friends and family or ruminate about it in your brain.
It's important to get on with your life; the next minute, the next hour, the next day.
If you dwell on what has already happened, your thoughts are stuck in the past.
You need to let the past go and be mindful and focused on the present.
5. Start with small changes
Think about it. If you begin to make small changes in your behavior, you’re creating a new response.
If you begin to let go of anger and think in a way you’ve never thought before, you’re creating untouched emotional and neural pathways.
That’s pretty phenomenal.....and exciting!
When forgiving becomes a part of who you are, you’ll feel like a huge weight has been taken off of your shoulders.
You’ll no longer walk around feeling miserable, like a tightly coiled spring.
Rather, you'll begin to experience life with an open heart, love, and self-compassion.
I can't think of anything more glorious than that. Can you?
Fran Sorin is a coach, gardening and creativity expert, and the author of the highly acclaimed book, Digging Deep: Unearthing Your Creative Roots Through Gardening. She is also an inspirational speaker, interfaith minister, and CBS radio news gardening correspondent. She has spent the past 30 years working on herself and with clients on how to live more creatively. Digging Deep: Unearthing Your Creative Roots Through Gardening is available at Barnes and Noble stores, Amazon, and other online and neighborhood booksellers.
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