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5 Ways You're Destroying Your Self Confidence

We are naturally drawn to those who display self confidence. We admire people who seem to have it all together, who have a strong sense of self worth, and who respect themselves. However, this desirable quality is not a given.
04/04/2016 02:47pm ET | Updated December 6, 2017
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Who wants killer confidence? Raise your hand!

Think of someone you admire and why. Chances are, you didn't choose someone who criticizes themselves or puts themselves down. We are naturally drawn to those who display self confidence. We admire people who seem to have it all together, who have a strong sense of self worth, and who respect themselves. However, this desirable quality is not a given. Treating yourself right and refusing to engage in self deprecating talk is a learned practice. If you want to exude confidence, you had better make sure you have a solid foundation of positive self talk and self care. Let's explore five areas where you can begin to transform that sad self talk story into healthy killer confidence!

1 -- Self Deprecating Talk

Badmouthing yourself in front of your mirror is not cool. Badmouthing yourself in front of other people and calling is socializing is completely unacceptable! "I'm so fat, I'm so lazy, I ate so much today." If this sounds familiar, this is your wake up call. Who's going to respect someone who doesn't even respect themselves? Who's going to promote, hire, or hang out with someone who criticizes themselves like that? This kind of talk is simply not for you anymore. You are worthy of so much more. You've got to start turning that sad self talk around.

2 -- Not Being There For Yourself

If you had a friend that didn't show up for you, was always late, and flaked out on plans, you hopefully wouldn't keep that friend for long. Yet, you don't always come first, do you? Everyone else comes first because you don't want to risk that they'll be upset if you say, "No thanks, I don't want to dog sit your four Dobermans this weekend." So, you indulge people, put them first, and say "Yes" when you want to say "No" so that they will like you. I say this respectfully because I know you've got so much going on in your life: You don't come first until you put yourself first and if you don't put yourself first, this magical effect happens where you somehow end up last!

3 -- Skipping "Me Time"

You're busy, you're important, you're rushing around day and night to fit it all in. Deep down, you can't keep that up forever. If you don't reset, you'll unravel. "Me Time" isn't a luxury; it's your right and you must exercise it! Quality rest isn't a luxury; it's crucial to good health and good mood. Give yourself permission to truly relax and re-energize every week. Whatever it is for you -- a hot bath, a cup of tea and a good book, a nap -- you not only deserve it, it's a requirement. Treat yourself well by creating balance in your life.

4 -- Telling Yourself You Never Do Enough

Oh, the almighty TO DO list! It has so much power, doesn't it? It can grow and grow right before your very eyes and you think you need to complete these tasks just as fast as you write them down. Where did this obsession come from? If you're not rushing around, if you don't constantly have a packed schedule, you feel like you're completely useless! Pouring a dose of guilt on top of that never ending TO DO list of unrealistic expectations certainly isn't going to make you any more productive. So instead, pour on a dose of gratitude and self love for all you have already been able to accomplish. Now, go take a hot bubble bath.

5 -- Putting Conditions on Your Happiness

Of course you don't do this, but maybe you know someone who's always saying, "I'll be happy when..." or "I can relax when..." Why? Why can't you be happy now? Your circumstances don't mean anything until you assign a label to them. "This situation is good because I'm making money." "This situation is bad because I'm unsure and fearful of the future." You cannot control your circumstances 100 percent of the time. You can always control your response to them. Don't punish yourself for circumstances and people out of your control. You have a choice. You can choose to be content, happy, and grateful for what you have in this present moment.

"So, how do I steer this self confidence ship around," you say?

Treat yourself as if you were someone you dearly love.

Recall this often and as you adopt this perspective, self care will flow into every part of your life. Self care translates into being patient with yourself, prioritizing "me time," speaking up for yourself without apology, and surrounding yourself with people that do the same. Give yourself permission to be calm, content, and grateful every day. Knowing your value leads to killer confidence, and when that confidence starts to show itself, own it. Embrace it. Be it.

Claire Campanella is a Health & Empowerment Coach who helps women confront their fears and negative thoughts, increase their confidence, and make healthier choices so that they can end overeating, eliminate food guilt, and feel great in their bodies. Claire received her Health Coaching Certification from the Institute for Integrative Nutrition and works with clients all over the world. Sign up for her free guide "5 Simple Steps to Create a Healthier You."