Ah, Passover. The Seders, the songs, the asking the person next to you what paragraph you’re at because it’s your time to read and you weren’t following along. Passover is a time for remembrance, celebration, and family bonding. And while our Passover traditions may vary, one Seder activity brings all of us as Jews together — of course I’m talking about the search for the afikoman.
The afikoman meaning “that which comes after” or “dessert” is a specific piece of matzo which is broken in two. But I’m sure you’ve seen Rugrats Passover before.
As tradition goes, someone secretly hides the afikoman during the Seder, then everyone else searches for it later on. It’s kind of like a treasure hunt only without a map, and you’re looking for a big cracker instead of gold, and while you’re doing that old people are drinking coffee in the other room. Oh, also there’s usually a reward for whoever finds it. For instance, in my family, my grandpa would give the winner a golden dollar. Because, grandpas?
But I feel like as of late we’ve become lazier and lazier when it comes to hiding the afikoman. In the napkin holder? Boring. With the old newspapers? Please. Where has the competition gone? Where’s the pride of the sport? What happened to the love of the game? Let’s make this year different.
Here are six places to hide the afikoman this year.
1. On a United Flight
Just pick one! Doesn’t matter which. Literally any of them. I’m guessing United flights are a little quiet as a result of some recent situations involving United protocol and employees. This is the perfect hiding spot to keep your family looking four hours.
2. In the White House
With Donald Trump’s approval rating at 39% and dropping like a new Frank Ocean song, the White House is amongst the most unpopular places in the country. And yes, I’m even including my grandma’s basement and most Hardee’s in that list. It seems as if people want to stay farther and farther away from this administration and its home base. Place the afikoman in the Oval Office and there’s no way anyone will find it.
3. At a Train Concert
Listen, I’m not going to pretend like they didn’t have some great songs. I enjoy a good “Drops of Jupiter” as much as the next guy. But come on. Everyone has to have a shelf life except for Beyoncé and Jesus and the actor who was in the “Can you hear me now?” Verizon commercials, apparently. It’s the way of life. I’m not saying they’re not a successful band, I’m just saying I guarantee if you hide the afikoman at a Train concert no one will find it.
4. At Your Local Jamba Juice
I fuck with Jamba Juice, but when was the last time you went to one? Seriously I’m genuinely interested. This is a real poll. If you’re reading this, then please reach out to me personally and let me know the last time you were at a Jamba Juice. Moral of the story: there’s no way your younger cousin is finding the afikoman at a JJ.
5. In Your Lion King 1 ½ DVD
Disney, why would you make this movie? That’s a rhetorical question because I know the answer is “money.” But still. I haven’t ever watched, or even thought about watching it, but I’m guessing it’s worse than the recording of my bar mitzvah service and that was when I was going through hella puberty.
6. With That Mysterious Relative You Don’t Really Know
Everyone has one. They’re always at the Seder, but no one really knows why. You know the one. They just all of a sudden started showing up at family gatherings, but you have no idea how you’re actually related and you’re too embarrassed to ask. You start daydreaming of a whole Scooby-Doo episode devoted to finding out who this person at your table is. Then you’re like why am I not at the kids’ table. Then you realize, “Oh because I’m 25 now.” And then you spiral into a quarter-life crisis. This actually feels good to get out in the open. Anyways, if I’m too scared to ask you about your life or how we’re related then there’s no way I’m going to ask if you have the afikoman.