Now that fall is here, anybody who plans on having a drop of sex in the upcoming colder months is rightfully looking for ways to make sure they project “chill” and “not looking for anything serious” to attract potential suitors this fall.
But finding a winter fling is impossible! The people you want to date are either in relationships or they don’t like you. And most other people aren’t “fun to be around” or “listen to what you’re saying 70 percent of the time.”
But as winter marches closer and closer, we must think about looking our best so we can honestly try to attract people we like but then ultimately decide to hook up with somebody we’re not crazy about over and over again while exerting minimal effort in what a robot would call a relationship.
“But how can I snag MY special someone that my family will never hear about?” you might ask.
Peep these hot new looks that will surely rope in that person with whom you’ll “mutually” end things come April.
Deep Red Lipstick + Zip Up + Big Floppy Hat
Wow, nothing says “hey brad. just so you know, I don’t like to have convos over text, just text me when you need to tell me something and we can just talk in person / no, I’m not upset,” more than this traditional autumn ensemble.
Oversized Sweater + Caribou Hide Skirt
Wow, after you find out your coworker who is SO funny and SO cool and just “gets it” is engaged, the dude who keeps misspelling your/you’re name on Bumble will LOVE this classic.
Huge Puff Sheep Jacket + Parental Advisory Explicit Content Sweater
Wow, do I hear wedding bells? No, I don’t. That’s the theme music to “Narcos,” a show you’ve been watching every weekend with a girl you pray isn’t falling in love with you.
Orange Cream Duster + 60’s Shades + Mole
Wow. [Austin Powers voice] Do I make you horny, baby? Do I? DO I!? Good! Because if we didn’t have sex, you’d be dead to me. It’s not that I don’t like you. It’s just that I know in my bones we wont be growing old together. So it’s good to know that you have the desire to fulfill our singular function.
Tan Gentleman Jacket + Hoodie + Shades + Beard Cream
I mean wow, this “What if Scott Ackerman wrote for Vice?” look is perfect for the man looking to settle down with somebody who ALSO threw in the towel mid-August. Happy hunting, bruh bruh!
Grey Turtleneck + Mauve Kaleidoscope Skirt + Dead Bobcat
Wow. Just, wow. Sure, you spent two months’ salary on an outfit only to find out at Kacie’s halloween party that Justin JUST came out. But on the bright side, if you take your friends advice and “stop bringing that Eric guy around,” you can learn to love this contemporary pre-winter wardrobe.