You’re not a sexually-challenged alien— and no, there’s nothing wrong with you. But if you’re having trouble reaching a grand slam during sex, the problem may be with your technique, and even more likely, your unsexy mental state. Of course, there are no guidelines for getting it on, but there are strategies to help you love it more. Besides, what’s the point of investing in that pricey curve-boosting lingerie, and a gallon of self-tanner, if you’re not enjoying a piece of the pleasure? Why not start getting off on the fruits of your labor? Let’s discover the reasons your orgasm has gone MIA.
Sex Screw-up 1: Rushing the Foreplay
Here's the reality: Guys are always eager to get to the shooting and scoring part (or to make you their personal painting canvas…gross) and often race through the pregame warm-up. Be a good coach and remind him to keep his eyes on the prize, your orgasm.
Yet, like many women, you may not be super comfortable asking him for longer foreplay. Perhaps you’re worried that he’ll think you’re too needy in bed or just lose steam. Or, in some cases, you may just feel awkward about lying down spread-eagle, like you’re an all you can eat buffet. Too much? Well, don’t let your negative thoughts hold you back and don’t rush through foreplay!
"It's particularly important for women to have successful foreplay because it takes a woman a longer time [than a man] to get up to the level of arousal needed to orgasm," says Dr. Ruth Westheimer, EdD, a psychosexual therapist, professor at New York University, and lecturer at Yale and Princeton universities. And don’t feel embarrassed about wanting so more of the good stuff, the good guys don't mind—in fact, it’s a turn-on!
Never underestimate the power your arousal has on a man. “Personally, I love openly sharing all my deepest urges with my boyfriend”, shares Sarah, 30. “I love that twinkle in his eye when he sees me getting all hot and worked up. I think it’s a huge ego boost for them”, Sarah adds.
Sex Screw-up 2: Neglecting Your C-spot
The G-spot gets all the hype as being the “it girl” of pleasure, but it's the clitoris that’s wins the hottest button award for you during sex. "There are more nerve endings in the C-spot than there are inside the vagina," says Dr. Yvonne Kristin Fulbright, American sexologist, author, and television personality. "So it's rare for women to have an orgasm without some sort of clitoral stimulation."
You can activate your C-spot during sex by maximizing on the cow girl position (girl on top). As you rock your body toward him, grind your goods against his lower abdomen. This motion will create friction for your C-spot, intensifying each movement as you sway and swivel in his lap.
You can also stimulate this zone manually by fondling yourself in any position, from missionary to doggie. “If you know your body better than any vibrator ever could, slip on the Frisky Ripples Finger Bang for some added texture and vibration. The finger puppet basically turns your digit into the ultimate silicone vibrator (with toe-curling ribbing throughout), taking your solo exploits to the next level”, suggests Sex expert Bobby Box in his article, “These Are All The Sex Toys A Woman Could Ever Possibly Need”.
Whether it’s with the help of a toy, or your own handy-dandy fingers, never neglect your C-spot when trying to reach the big O.
Sex Screw-up 3: Losing Focus
Life’s full of distractions and sadly, sex is not exempt. You know what it’s like… those times where your random thoughts are pestering you so you can’t reach your final moaning moment— yup, worst vajayjay blocker ever! Thinking about everything from "Do I look bloated?" to "He really needs to trim his eyebrows" can definitely make you lose your mojo. And once that happens, your orgasm is less likely to show up than a shirtless Zach Efron at your doorstep... Sigh a girl can only wish!
"Your brain is a vital part of the sexual experience, registering sensations and releasing feel-good chemicals to the body," says Georgia sexologist Gloria G. Brame, PhD. " Any mental distraction can spark conflicting, nonsexual impulses in the brain and lessen your pleasure."
So, how can you avoid these libido-busting distractions? Brame suggests reengaging your body and focusing on how he feels inside you. Another tip is to touch yourself or even switch positions to physically redirect your attention back to the action.
You can also tune-in with a neat breathing trick: inhale slowly from the depths of your belly. to synchronize your breathing so that the two of you are inhaling and exhaling together. Once you’re both breathing in unison, picture yourselves melting into each other, becoming a single sexual force. “As you get more in tune with each other’s breathing, you’ll actually feel each other’s arousal, creating a deeper physical and emotional connection,” says Adachi, a clinical sexologist and orgasm coach in San Diego.
So, apparently, finding your chi is meditation technique that also works in the sack. Who knew?
Sex Screw-up 4: Forgetting to Pee... Whoopsies!
Before stripping down for sexy time, women are rarely ever thinking about things, like, a pre-sex washroom visit. Instead, that brain energy is spent on all the other little details, bikini waxes or the right perfume, without paying attention to the most important part of self-maintenance: emptying the bladder.
Did you know that a full bladder can interrupt the flow of sex? Ever wonder why it can feel like you have to pee when you’re getting off in bed? According to Altman, "The G-spot is surrounded by the Skene's glands, which are connected to the bladder. So anytime there is contact with your G-spot, you are going to feel like you have to urinate, even if you don't." So what happens? You tighten up, terrified that you might pee during sex (yikes!) and never orgasm.
The solution to this problem is an obvious one. Go to the bathroom before sex! To some, this routine may not seem like the hottest pregame move, but it’s definitely better than clenching up your vagina during sex, praying that you don’t pee— so epically embarrassing!
Sex Screw-up 5: Changing Positions Too Often
Steamy stunts are always a fun way to keep your sex life fun and exciting, but getting too fancy with all those sexy slipknots can actually make it trickier to climax. When you’re too busy balancing, squatting or whatever elaborate trick you’re attempting, it’s harder to focus on the pleasure itself. The key to satisfaction is replying on a position that targets your pleasure spots. "You need to develop a rhythm, and once you feel yourself building toward climax, the sensation must be consistent or you'll lose momentum,” Bram points out.
If he gets frenzied in the moment and decides to flip you over, and you have to restart your flow, don’t worry. There are ways to catch up and fire-rocket yourself into orgasmic territory again. If you’re slightly new to the world of adult toys, you can experiment with We-Vibe. “The lower handle vibrates against your G-spot, while the other cradles the clitoris for combined stimulation. Pick between the constant speed or four pulsation patterns, each with customizable intensity,” suggests Rachel Mara, sex writer at Intimate Village.
Basically, anything you can do to keep your mind and body on the prize, will bring you that much closer to your explosive goal.