It's that time of year again. The time of year when I waste way too many hours on the Cabelas website putting different versions of the same tan fishing vest in my cart and then taking them out again because "there aren't enough pockets" or "there are too many pockets" or "he has thirteen exactly like this in his closet." Yes, ladies, I'm talking about Father's Day, the only part of the year I do not enjoy shopping.
My dad is hard to buy for. It's not his fault; we just don't have much in common. He collects knives; I collect parking tickets. He likes to eat chicken fried steak; I like to eat mimosas. And while we do share a love of books and the Dallas Cowboys, I simply cannot get him any more Cowboys gear or people will start to think he's crazy. Or, even worse, they'll think he's Jerry Jones. Books are out of the question because even if I buy him a recent release, there's a good chance he's already read it. Inevitably, he already read the new Dean Koontz the day it came out, marking his place with one of the 523 Dallas Cowboys bookmarks I've given him.
I feel like a lot of us have the same problem. We love our dads and want to get them something they'll really appreciate instead of another tie or tool bench. But, what, exactly? What's a girl to do?
Don't worry, I made a handy list of six super serious Father's Day gift ideas to get you through.
1. A framed copy of your latest oil change receipt. He will love this. It's proof that his daughter is a responsible member of society! Sure, you didn't check the oil yourself like he taught you to but, by golly, you sure as heck did pay someone to do it for you! I bet he'll hang it on the wall right next to the singing bass fish you picked out when you were 11. Fist pump!
2. Laugh at his dumb jokes. Seriously. When he says, "That fellow Pharrell's hat is bigger than he is! Oh well, whatever makes him happy!" make sure and laugh like he's Louie C.K. and you've had three martinis. He'll get a kick out of his own wit and you'll get fake laugh practice for next time that lady at work tells "funny stories" about her cats in the elevator.
3. Turn off all the lights in your house. Actually, why stop there? Go next door and turn off all the lights in your neighbor's house too. Look at you, conserving electricity! Just a chip off the old block!
4. A translator so he can decode your texts. Make it easy on dear old dad and clue him in that "imo," means "in my opinion," and "ugh," means "you already told me that Pharrell joke, dad."
5. Ask his advice about something. Anything. This will give your dad an opportunity to feel fatherly, a very good way to feel on Father's Day. Look, he loves you and wants nothing more than to tell you what to do. So give him what he wants. Who knows? You might get some really good advice while you're at it.
6. I dunno, a Bruce Willis movie? Or a shirt Bruce Willis would wear. Or maybe a dog named Bruce Willis. You know what? Just get him Bruce Willis.