My friend Kelechi had to go away to Europe to further her studies. She had gotten a scholarship to study her dream course and in an Ivy League school no less, she just had to go… I mean it was an opportunity no sane person could possibly turn down.
Kelechi had been in a relationship with Osare, theirs was the quintessential fairytale romance. We felt a little tinge of jealousy. I mean who wouldn’t? hands always clasped tight together as they walked down the streets, always caught in some funny moments littered with loving laughter. I often wondered if they ever had a fight. It was the dream relationship and I was sure they were made for each other... it was till death do them part…or so I thought.
This background will help you understand why I fell silent for almost 5 minutes in utter shock over the phone as Kelechi told me via an international call that Osare had dumped her or was it a mutual decision? It matters little now. The fact is that what seemed infallible was now shattered and we could all easily tell the reason; Distance
This kind of scenario is so common that I instantly recalled a catalogue of them when Belle had to go away for a couple of years barely one year into our relationship. I was filled with dread…thoughts…was it the end? Long distance relationships are often dreaded and a lot of people just give up before they have to even enter it. We could work it out if it was a couple of months, but a couple of years?! C’mon!
I learnt through that experience a few necessary regular things that are sure to make LDR’s much more bearable and successful. I mean I survived didn’t I?
Here are a few of those things I did regularly:
- I kept Communication Flowing
That communication is the life of any relationship is ancient news, still in long distance relationships communication is not as simple as it would in other relationships.
The key is in keeping the communication alive such that you do not miss out on the other person’s day, the main events in their day and yet you don’t communicate so profusely that it reveals insecurity and a lack of trust. How did I manage to maintain that balance? That leads to the other point.
2. I learnt Her Schedules
I had to become intentional in our communication to learn how her days went and what responsibilities she was saddled with over there, so I could discern what to say at each time and when to even call. These things are very vital.
Even married people in love still have to know the best time and way to approach their spouse, but in close range relationships, you always have the person’s presence to comfort you. In LDR’s you have more space to think… the outcome is often not good.
3. I Became Adept At The Game Of Surprises
Every relationship needs a dash of surprises here and there; LDR’s need a double dose. The most obvious and perhaps most appreciated surprise will be a surprise visit, but where that may not be possible, you have to get creative.
I remember on one of her birthdays I knew I just couldn’t leave work and make a 7 hour trip, so I contacted her colleagues through the beauty of Facebook (she had no idea I knew any of them) and through them threw her a complete birthday party with a cake with a personal message… you can come up with something better. If you can travel, by all means do once in a while.
She threw me one too. She actually reciprocated with a trip!
4. I Let Her In On All My Decisions.. Well Major Decisions
I think this point really determines exactly what you want of the relationship. I knew I wanted a “forever after” and she could sense it when I involved her in every major decision. I asked her opinion and she very often reciprocated. Alas! There was really something real to return to!
5. Screen Saver! Wall Paper! Pictures!
Presence can be confusing… you are rarely distracted in a relationship when your partner is always there. when your partner is miles apart, then you suddenly become strangely of all the cute ladies around and the striking dudes.
Truth is you are just distracted, I discovered that. Women expect all Men to cheat, but they don’t forgive Men when they do. I chose not to… so I needed reminders of how precious what I had was. Hence, my desk, computer and phone were constant reminders… Screen savers! Wall papers and pictures!
6. I Avoided The 80- 20 Rule
The 80- 20 rule catches every person who sees an attribute in another person not in their partner and makes the oft made mistake of trading the other 80% their partner has for the 20% they don’t have.
I avoided the delusion of the unavoidable attractions… I believed I had it good already.
Forget the statistics create yours! If you believe strong enough and apply these tips then definitely you can keep the fire burning.