March is the month of decisions for college-bound high school seniors. It's when colleges let applicants know whether they've been deemed worthy of occupying a 6-by-6 dorm room shared with three others while their parents take out a second mortgage on their home to afford it.
Friends, March is fraught with eggshells if you live with a high school senior. It is the month of bitter rejections, of joyous acceptances, and of the big bucket of ice water dumped on your kid's head when she learns that you actually can't afford her first choice school and notes that you probably should have told her that six months ago. With that in mind, here are some things you probably shouldn't say in March:
1. "It was meant to be."
You know those people who proselytize about how there is some grand plan that is slowly revealing itself to us and this rejection just was heaven-sent to show us a different path? Yeah, don't be one of those people.
College selections occur for myriad reasons that sometimes have little to do with GPA, test scores and whether your son was senior class president. It depends on what a school needs. Lots of unacademic factors creep their way into the picture. Is a school hoping to racially, ethnically or geographically diversify its student body? Were there legacy admits who were given a spot instead of your student? Are different majors impacted differently? Was it something as simple as the math teacher got too busy and as a result, spent just five minutes writing a recommendation that came up short compared to others? Stuff happens.
Instead of bringing down the forces of divine power on your student's rejection, why not just acknowledge that randomness is a real factor in college acceptances and a great deal of this was outside his control?
2. "Where you start college really doesn't matter. It's where you graduate from that counts."
As one of my daughter's friends so succinctly put it: "So then why did I apply to 18 schools as a freshman?" The answer, of course, is that with the obscene costs of college and the uncertainty of financial aid, having choices can be a wonderful thing. It's the primary reason why we encourage our kids to spend time filling out double-digit numbers of applications.
But after they've done that, they really don't want to hear that it doesn't matter. Plus, of course it matters. If you get there and hate it and want to come home, it matters a lot. #whereyoustartcollegematters
3. "Who else got in?"
Well, color you green! Green with envy that is. You want to know how your student fared compared to others. And why is that exactly? This is the old "who got picked for AYSO All-Stars" thing all over again.
Comparing your student to others is one of those futile gestures that can only lead to trouble. If your student succeeded where that mean-girl-since-third-grade didn't, it's not like you are going to tag her on Facebook saying "isn't karma a bitch?" And if your student didn't get in and Mean Girl did, then what?
Going off to college is like starting not just a new chapter, but a whole new book. Send your student off with confidence and unburdened by old hurts. Wish everyone well and celebrate their accomplishments.
Your student has worked hard for the four years of high school, spent a substantial portion of her free time working on college applications. Focus on her accomplishments and stop comparing what she did with how somebody else fared.
4. "I can't believe you got into X but not Y school."
Well, believe it. And reread point 1. Seriously, there is something akin to a magic formula when it comes to who gets admitted and who doesn't. There may be ranges for grades and scores but colleges often look more subjectively at applicants too. Focus on celebrating the schools where your student was accepted and move on from the places that he was not.
5. "I can't believe Mike got into X but not Y school."
The only thing worse than talking about your own student's failure to be accepted at a particular college is to talk about someone else's. Teenagers don't like to hear their parents talk about other kids. And while you may be saying this in a perfectly supportive way -- like "He was the valedictorian, had a 5.0 GPA and a perfect SAT score and yet UCLA rejected him. That's unbelievable and we should call the press about it!"
Life is filled with surprises and sometimes those surprises are disappointing. Mike's situation is not your problem to fix.
6. "Hello Harvard, this is Sam's mother and I'd like to ask ..."
The days of you being the one to call places to advocate for your student are over. There is no plausible reason for you to be calling any school's admissions office. You might still have some business involving the financial aid office, but admissions should be totally off-limits to you at this point in the process.
Colleges expect that your student will do his own advocating. News flash: They are also highly unlikely to remind your son to do his homework, nor will they make sure he eats enough protein and green vegetables.
Mom and Dad, it's time to let the baby birds fly.
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