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6 Ways My Kids Are Like My Tattoos

Much like your sweet tramp stamp of the (incorrect) Chinese symbol for peace that you thought couldn't hurt that much because people get tattoos every day, having a baby is painful AF.
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Sometimes I look at them and I'm like, Why? I looked way better in a bikini before I got them. Oh well! Too late now! I am talking about kids and tattoos: both permanently disfiguring and not exactly like you imagined...

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1. Great Idea When You Are Drunk: You know how after four margaritas at Senor Frogs somewhere between 1999-2004, you thought that a tattoo of Tinkerbelle perched on your hip was like the BEST idea ever? Well, girl. I feel you. That's the same kind of decision-making that turned a lot of us into parents in the first place. Fast forward about 10 months and you might wish Tink was the only thing perched on your (now stretch-marked) hip. Whoops!

2. Hurt Like Hell: Much like your sweet tramp stamp of the (incorrect) Chinese symbol for peace that you thought couldn't hurt that much because people get tattoos every day, having a baby is painful AF. Like being set on fire and eaten alive by a shark and then pushed off a cliff.

3. Does Not Look Like You Expected: Before I actually got it, I daydreamed about what the owl tattoo on my arm would look like. (P.S. OBVIOUSLY I have a bird tattoo on my arm. I mean O B V I O U S L Y.) As the tattoo was finished, I was like WTF. Not what I pictured. Having a baby is basically the same. I thought I was getting a little doll miniature of me and my man. What I actually got was a screaming bright red baked bean that looked like my dad?? Um. Refund? Time machine?

4. Expensive: This sh*t was $400!! Even though it looks like something a fellow inmate gave me in exchange for some contraband smokes. And don't even get me started on what the baby has cost us. Every penny. Every last one.

5. Permanent: In moments of regret, I have looked into having my tattoos removed. Likewise, I have been in the aisles of the grocery store with three screaming kids and wondered... can I somehow throw them off my trail? Turns out tattoos and kids are both F O R E V E R. But strangely...

6. You Want One More. Despite being the expensive, painful, permanent, and not-instantly-good-looking idea of a drunk chick... I still want just one more. Even though people are probably talking about how crappy the ones I already have are. Just one little Russian nesting doll on my shoulder and I will be done. And fine, just one more little beet-red infant to scream at me while I try to keep it alive. Last one. Promise.

Kate Levkoff is a cohost of the foul-mouthed, hilariously honest parenting podcast Nursing and Cursing. Find her on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/nursing-and-cursing/id1010024186?mt=2, and nursingandcursing.com.