7 Much-Needed, Possibly Unorthodox Rules For Golf

Putt every putt. If the six-inch putt is a forgone conclusion, then just putt the damn thing. Conceding putts only serves to assist the players who can't putt or those who suffer from the yips while marginalizing the advantage of players who excel under pressure.

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Every golfer should have a system for not forgetting their wedge by the green. If you forget your wedge more than once during a single round of golf, you must forfeit ownership of the club to a fellow player for one calendar year.

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Handicaps are fine for determining tournament seeding and groupings, but they should never be used in actual competition. No other sport artificially adjusts the score to accommodate for a lack of skill. Also, claiming victory over your opponent thanks to the advantage of a handicap is pathetic and shameful. You honestly shouldn't be allowed to play golf ever again.

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Every golfer should be allowed to chop down one tree in his or her life without penalty. This must be done with an axe. Chainsaws are too easy, and nothing about golf should ever be easy.

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Players who roll their balls out of divots are breaking the rules, regardless of weather or season. These players are also fancy-pants golfers who require the ground to be pristine in order to swing, which is lame and stupid. Hit the damn ball where it lies. That is the essence of golf.

As an alternative, go play mini golf. There are no divots amongst the windmills and water features of a mini golf course, and you can usually get an ice cream cone after the round.

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Dress codes are nonsense and should be eliminated entirely. They serve no useful purpose and only cause golfers to be perceived as elitist jackasses. Dress codes are also nonexistent at many public golf courses, so don't allow your pretentious friends to bully you into colored shirts and plaid pants when playing these courses. Wear whatever the hell you want. You're an adult, damn it.

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No mulligans. Ever. There is nothing uglier and more idiotic on a golf course than a golfer taking a mulligan.

Most egregious, however, a mulligan is always taken after an errant tee shot and never anywhere near or on the green.

In other words, it's perfectly acceptable in the minds of many golfers to take a second tee shot if the first has sliced into the trees or rolled twenty yards from the box. But it would never be considered appropriate to take a mulligan after missing a 6-foot putt or failing to get a ball out of a sand trap.

For some reason, a premium is placed on the tee shot, and doing so favors the long ball hitters by giving them a second chance to take advantage of the part of the game that they excel at most while leaving outstanding putters or wedge players with no second chances to succeed in the part of the game where they are best.

It makes no sense. And no other sport offers do-overs. For a game that prides itself on player integrity, there is no place for a mulligan.