Back in July, I wrote a piece predicting a huge Obama win. I even offered a recipe for an Election Night drink called the "McCrush" (vodka and Orange Crush over crushed ice, served in a hollow flip-flop with a sprig of pandering). But that was an electoral eternity ago -- before the phenomenal rise of Sarah Palin, the phenomenal collapse of Wall Street, and the phenomenal scalp of Joe the Plumber. Call it my mea culpa, or my heaping serving of crow, but I feel compelled to state the obvious. John McCain will "McCrush" Barack Obama today. Here are seven reasons why:
1. The Power of Palin -- On paper, she sounds like a superhero: Attractive. Stylish. Handy with an assault rifle. Impervious to witchcraft. But when it comes to the power of Palin, that's only the tip of the rapidly-melting iceberg. She's given a voice to America's willfully-ignorant secessionist religious fanatics, and energized women who haven't felt this eager to vote since Studdard vs. Aiken. She's a transformational leader, as evidenced by her unique ability to transform many longtime Republicans into Obama supporters.
2. America's Hunger for Change -- 90% of Americans think our country is on the wrong track. We want a leader who'll roll up his sleeves and start pulling survivors from the smoldering rubble of the Bush presidency. Clearly, that leader is John McCain. Who better to set a new course than a man who's been in the Senate for 26 years? Who better to lead us into the future than a seventy-two-year-old who doesn't use email? Who better to represent "change" than a man who changes campaign themes every few days?
3. The Economic Crisis -- Isn't it time for a president who knows how to spend money responsibly? Whether on nine houses, thirteen cars, or $150,000 in designer clothes? Isn't it time for a leader who understands that building a strong economy starts at the top and works its way down -- just like building a strong skyscraper starts with the top floor and ends with the foundation? A leader who's seen* workers losing their jobs and families struggling to get by on food stamps?
* (from the windows of his wife's private jet)
4. A Unified Republican Party -- To outsiders, it might look like traditional "Ronald Reagan" Conservatives and traditional "Ted Haggard" Christianists are slugging it out to see who gets to steer the SS Irrelevant. It might even look like John McCain and Sarah Palin are slugging it out to see who gets to steer their campaign off a cliff. Well consider yourselves duped, Liberals. It's all part of the GOP's elaborate plan to let you rule for the next few decades while we groom Bristol for 2044.
5. Joe the Plumber -- John McCain recently looked out into a crowd of supporters and proclaimed, "You're all Joe the Plumber." What he meant was, if we all look deep into our hearts, we'll see someone who seeks to cash in on his fleeting fame with record deals, corporate sponsorships, and paid personal appearances while pretending to be the quintessential "little guy." In other words, we'll see the perennial balancing act between old-fashioned American values and old-fashioned American greed. It was a powerful insight into our national identity. Or maybe McCain was just pandering out of embarrassment because Joe didn't show up to his rally. But still...
6. McCain's Experience -- Criticize McCain all you want for running a "disgraceful campaign." For "smearing" Obama as a Marxist Muslim elitist terrorist-lover who wants to enslave the white race and send our children to homosexuality conversion camps. But the reality is, John McCain is merely using his wealth of political experience -- by employing the same race-based fear-mongering that defeated him in the 2000 primaries. Experience counts, people.
7. Country First -- Loving America means loving every single thing about America. It means never, ever criticizing it. It means shouting down even the slightest whispers of dissent with wild-eyed chants of "U-S-A! U-S-A!" It means doing what's right for the country, not what's right for your campaign. People in the Pro-American parts of America understand this. Can you imagine what would've happened if our forefathers had been as unpatriotic as Obama's supporters? As elitist and arrogant? Can you imagine if they'd had the audacity to question -- or even rebel against their own country?
What a nightmare that would've been....
Seth Grahame-Smith begs your pardon.