For you, friend. Here are all the things no one ever told me before becoming a mom.
1. Your body will never look young again. There are women who pop out baby after baby and after two weeks postpartum, they have the figure of a marathoner. You won't. You'll have bulges and sags and things no one ever told you about. Maternity jeans never looked quite so good until you're four months postpartum and still can't pull your pre-pregnancy clothes above your cankles.
2. The bathtub is kryptonite for the well-behaved pooper. Let's just say, you need to learn this early. Co-bathing might not be your thing if you don't like having explosive baby diarrhea all up in your business. Something about that warm water tempts even the potty-trained toddler to let one loose. Be prepared, Momma, and remember to rescue the toddler before you confiscate the poo. Trust me.
3. You'll lose sleep over worrying about lost sleep. It's the classic scene. Baby is asleep, so you think you have free time to relax. Cue the Netflix. Stay up a couple hours too late because you binge-watched "Friends" again. You go to bed with regret, but instead of sleeping, you'll find yourself lying awake, calculating down to the minute how much time you should have before your dreaded wake-up call (hint: never enough). It's scary how much you'll brush up on your basic mathematics in the early days. Just as you begin to doze off, your child will sense this, even from across the house, and that is when they will make their move and pounce.
4. Baby boys fart like grown men. The first time your innocent newborn rips one in the quiet church pew or in the busy, yet disturbingly quiet aisle at Target, good luck convincing everyone it was the baby. I've power-walked out of many an aisle in the name of mortification. You can do all the shoe-squeaking and wood floor-creaking to try to play it off, but face it, the baby will win this round.
5. Your child might make you crazy. You think that your child doesn't have an evil, lying bone in their body? Just wait till the first time you find her gleefully spilling her milk all over your brand new rug or sipping on your Starbucks quad shot. Good luck then. What about when she learns to remove her own diaper and pees freely before you can catch her? Think I'm lying? My niece spent a month proudly smearing her poop on my sister's pillow. Point proven.
6. Every piece of parenting knowledge you collected beforehand? Consider it null and void. Your child doesn't care what sleep camp you planted your flag in. Whether you were a Baby Wise junkie or you had a crush on Dr. Sears, know that your child will likely throw you for every loop possible. The first time you say "never," your child will take a mental note and purposefully prove you to be a liar. It's best to enter into parenting with a plan and an open mind.
7. Your children will wreck you. Think you're not a softie? Think you've got your life all figured out? Think you've got it all together? Your children will turn you into a 100%, over-the-top, complete and total wreck. You will never be the same. You will question yourself in ways you never imagined you would. You will spend weeks feeling you're failing them, only to have the perfect day when you realize that all it comes down to is love, and let me tell you, they will love you like you've never been loved before. You will be their hero, their role model, their advocate, their teacher, their buddy and their first love.
And you? You will never be the same.They will stretch and mold your heart in ways that are beyond this world. The love that you have for them will supersede all of your natural instincts and surpass the hold of even death itself. They will wreck you so that the damage they do is irreversible... And you would never have it any other way.
Welcome to motherhood, friend. You'll own this thing.