"What's Love Got to Do With It?"
If there is one topic that men and women alike are really confused about, it's love. Where do you go to find it and, how do you deal with it once you do? Then, once you have it, how can you tell if it's the real thing; i.e. True Love? Whew, it's exhausting! Yet because we so want to love and be loved in return, too often we end up with what my grooviest role-model calls, a second hand emotion.
Tina Turner, Rock Star Extraordinaire, is one steaming, hot-seasoned woman. With her high-energy performances, offering the kind of music that makes you want to jump up and dance, I instantly became a devotee. But what made her my heroine came by watching her courageous passage from being fearful, dependent, and abused to becoming a self-reliant, confident, still loving, ageless woman. Observing the process for regaining her personal power to having the best life ever, continues to inspire me when confronted with challenging times.
So it seemed beyond perfect, when a dear friend felt the need to retell the entire destructive demise of her long-term, live-in relationship, ending her venting with, "and it hurts so much because I still love him." It was at that exact moment, when Tina's words of wisdom came spilling from the speakers and really hit home.
"You must understand, though the touch of your hand makes my pulse react~ That it's only the thrill of boy meeting girl // Opposites attract // It's physical // Only logical // You must try to ignore that it means more than that. What's love got to do, got to do with it? What's love, but a second-hand emotion? What's love got to do, got to do with it? Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken?"
And there I was, off and running, channeling what I just knew my girl Tina would say.
"What's love got to do with it?" I told my friend, "Sweetheart, if you think this is love, you have no idea what love is. Real love doesn't hurt or cause pain. True love is a sense of peace and security that makes you feel safe, even in the storm. If it hurts, it's something else. But it sure isn't love.
It could be the fear of being alone," I continued, "the need to be in a relationship, part of a couple. Maybe it's by associating with someone who has attributes that you believe you lack ~ financial wealth, social status or a fun magnetic personality ~ you feel more important. It could be an addiction to bad behavior, treatment so familiar, it's become your comfort zone. Thanks to a family member, former partner or lover, you think this is normal and the best you deserve. But whatever it is, no one's heart ever aches from love, only from a lack of it."
As the song went into the next verse, my message was reinforced.
"I've been taking on a new direction, but I have to say, I've been thinking about my own protection and it scares me to feel this way."
"Ah, then there's Passion, Lust and Desire," I went on, "which in the best of times can cause havoc. In the worst of situations it's a form of jealousy and possessiveness, which definitely is not evidence of love. Love doesn't drive people crazy it drives them to a sense of calm and sanity. It's not grasping or controlling, but generous and freeing."
"Can you have a great desire for someone you truly love?" My dear friend asked.
"Absolutely!" I sang out.
"Although chemistry is very important, recognizing the difference between a craving and real love is vital. Allowing your over-active pheromones to be the choice maker of your next great love is a dangerous thing. Especially since it's been scientifically proven that the average life span of a romantic obsession is two years!"
"But how do you distinguish between what is true love and what isn't?" She cried out in despair.
"True love can't begin until the in-love experience has run its course. When you are in-love, you believe that your beloved can do no wrong and has discovered the key to your heart's desire. In reality, each of you are only responding to the others signals on how to be satisfied. But at some point, things settle down and then the real person shows up. That's why Dr. Joyce Brothers was right on when she said, "No matter how lovesick a woman is, she shouldn't take the first pill that comes along!"
At the core, we are all romantic fools with an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired, desperately wanting our love story to be the one that defies all logic. But how do you find that most precious thing: someone to love and be truly loved in return? Read on.
A Seasoned Woman's Seven Tips for Attracting True Love.
1. Start by loving yourself unabashedly without restrain. Once you become your most attentive lover, you can attract a true love from want and not need.
2. Open your heart to what's possible. Begin to take down the walls that have "protected you" from receiving the kind of love you deserve.
3. Stop, See and Listen for the signs of real love that takes action and won't take no for an answer.
4. Seek out the best kind of relationship; one where you are not only lovers, but trust-worthy best friends as well.
5. Make extraordinary your mirrored reflection. Never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary. Give what you want and never settle for less in return.
6. Be and expect open-hearted acceptance. Feeling validated and approved of, lights the way to walking in the same direction towards happiness.
7. Have enough courage to trust love one more time, and maybe one time again.
Tina might be right, "Love is nothing but a silly, old fashioned notion," but it's also the closest thing we have to magic. So "what's love got to do with it? Simply Everything!
Excerpted from LIFE~LUST & LOVE: A Seasoned Woman's Secrets from Ordinary to Extraordinary! (Debuting in the Fall-2014)