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8 Holiday Cleaning Tips From My Child

These tips and tricks seem to be working swimmingly for my daughter, so without a shadow of a doubt, they'll work for you, too!
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I know that the holidays can be an exceptionally busy time. Trying to wrangle children, making sure you've mailed Great Aunt Gertrude her favorite fruitcake, holiday cards, and then, of course, making sure that your home is prepped and clean for the day of the big event!

Cleaning your home after wrapping far too many oddly-shaped presents (and losing the scissors and tape 900 times), dragging a Christmas tree four times the size of your body into your home (and decorating it), hanging Christmas lights, baking sh*t, and prepping for everything else "holiday" can be a wee bit exhausting.

Lucky for you, I've come up with a holiday cleaning tip sheet (per my 8-year-old) that will seamlessly guide you through cleaning your home in eight easy-to-follow steps. These tips and tricks seem to be working swimmingly for my daughter, so without a shadow of a doubt, they'll work for you, too!

Without further ado, I present:

1. Sweep/vacuum the living room. If you happen to notice any Lego pieces, Barbie shoes, dried-to-a-prune fruit snacks, or snack wrappers -- push that sh*t under the couch. *Side Note: Be sure to sweep that crap far enough under the couch that if guests are standing at a certain angle, they can't see the remnants of your "cleaning".


2. Laundry. This one is simple. Take all the clothes that are lying around the house, dirty or clean is fine, and throw them in a cute laundry bin. *Side Note: This one works best if you have one of those wicker baskets that you can't see through. **Extra Side Note: Shoes, headbands, hairbrushes and school books are totally acceptable to throw in said laundry bin, too.

3. Bust out holiday glitter and run through your house like a drunk Disney fairy princess. You may be wondering how this helps "tidy things up," but this one is more a "holiday decor tip" that I'm throwing in there because I like you. You're welcome. This tip is sure to give your home that stunning "holiday look," and fool everyone into thinking that you're totally Even better, it ensures that your guests will never forget they visited your home! They'll track ungodly amounts of glitter home with them, gracing their shoes, car, house, washer and dryer, and, if you're lucky, even their shower drains! They will never forget that special holiday spent at your house as they dig glitter out of their eyebrows and nostril hairs for the rest of 2016!

4. "Unload the dishwasher." This one is so easy. It literally requires three steps. 1. Open dishwasher. 2. Drop more detergent in. 3. Re-start cycle. Repeat 14 times. Same can be done for "washing the clothes" AND "drying the clothes."

5. Clean each bedroom of your home. Walk through each bedroom of your home, wad all your crap into a ball and roll it into a corner of the room. Now, this one takes a bit of practice as you need agility depending on the size of the ball (a.k.a. pile of random sh*t). Once that feat is accomplished, take a nice blanket out of the hall closet (being certain that all others fall out of the closet in the process) and neatly lay the blanket on top of the wadded-up ball of crap. You'll have a beautifully decorated... something ...gracing every room! If you care to, you can place a bow on the top to give it that added holiday feel.

6. "Mop" the floors. Again, not to worry -- another easy one! Take any hair care product in a spray bottle from under your bathroom sink, spray floor, and then use your nicest bath towel, preferably one you received on your wedding day (the one that you'd totally never pay that kind of cash for on your own), and wipe the entire floor with it. Bonus points for a white towel.

7. Bathe and groom the dogs. No one likes a stinky dog on their lap while visiting your home. Give your dog a bath, and make sure to give him or her a good comb afterwards. With your own hairbrush.

8. Last and certainly not least, make sure to have unique drinks ready for your guests' arrival! You don't want to be some Joe Schmoe with a Coors Light -- you need to spice that sh*t up -- it's the f*cking holidays! Take a cup, mix a bit of water, a handful of glitter and a dash of sequins-- and VOILA! You're all set!

You're guaranteed a great time. Your friends will DEFINITELY be back next year!

Happy Holidays!

Ashley Alteman is the writer behind, where she details her laugh-out-loud parenting and personal fails. "Smash" can be found rambling about dinosaurs and her wild child, "Barb Marley," on Facebook.