Fact: Donald Trump says some very asshole-ish things. Fact: Donald Trump acts in a very asshole-ish manner. Fact: Donald Trump is quite alarmingly close to taking over our country.
You want to know why? Because he says so. Because he insists. It’s totally crazy, but this is what’s happening.
Fact: There’s some kind of magic there, and I personally think we moms need some of that. Actually, I think we all need some of that. Donald Trump may be an asshole, but if he’s going to be President Asshole, we’ll need all the help we can get.
And so, because I am bound and determined to look on the bright side, l have compiled eight of his more famous quotes and turned them into advice for the rest of us. I’m not advocating asshole-ish-ness, I’m really not. What I’m saying is that we could all use some more success. Right? I know I’d like to direct my life in the way I want it to go, rather than careening from one problem to the next like a bumper car with no time to stop and, I don’t know, maybe run for president.
So just for a minute, let’s take Trump’s words with a little less rage and a little more inspiration, or something. I don’t know. See what you think:
1. “As everybody knows, but the haters & losers refuse to acknowledge, I do not wear a ‘wig.’ My hair may not be perfect but it’s mine.”
You know what The Donald is telling us, here? Own your hair. And your face and your body and all the rest of you. I will tell you the truth, my hair gets on my nerves. It’s too thin and too straight and too twig-colored. But, I daresay having a golden pancake on my forehead would get on my nerves a lot more, and so if Donald Trump can own that nonsense, I can certainly own mine. Fuck it. It’s what I have. And it’s not a golden pancake. I’m winning right there, if you ask me.
2. “I think apologizing’s a great thing, but you have to be wrong. I will absolutely apologize, sometime in the hopefully distant future, if I’m ever wrong.”
Listen to yourself sometimes. If you are anything like me, you’ll hear things like: “Sorry, I can’t make it tomorrow,” “Sorry kids, we are not watching Grown Ups 2,” “Sorry, but I’m not interested in joining your pyramid scheme/taking over that horrible project/moving into your mom’s house with you.” In other words, way too many apologies for things we need not be sorry for. Take a cue from The Donald and quit it—today.
3. “Is our country still spending money on the GLOBAL WARMING HOAX?”
Well, I guess what Trump is saying here is that we should never believe scientists because they make things up. Just kidding. I don’t know what he’s saying here. But I do think we’d all do well not to accept everything we hear as fact before bothering to learn something about it. Parenting advice in particular. Also, pronouncements by politicians.
4. “[Senator John McCain is] not a war hero. He was a war hero because he was captured. I like people who weren’t captured.”
I think what Trump means by this is that we really do need to stop giving participation trophies to kids. No? I don’t know. That’s what I got from it. You are free to draw your own conclusions.
5. “You know, the other day, [the politicians who are running against me] were saying, you can’t get Mexico to pay for the wall! Of course you can. They can’t because they would never even think of it.”
The message here is clear. If something seems too preposterous to ask for, ask for it anyway. I mean, look at my man asking to be our next president. You see? Anything is possible. Don’t be afraid.
6. “All of the women on The Apprentice flirted with me—consciously or unconsciously. That’s to be expected.”
That’s to be expected? Why is that to be expected? I will tell you why: It’s expected for absolutely no reason other than that he chooses to expect it. So, choose to expect that people will like you. Choose to expect that your husband will find you attractive even on your third day in the same sweatpants. Honestly, choose to expect whatever you want. We cannot, I mean absolutely cannot, let Donald Trump be the only one to benefit from this brilliant scheme.
7. “There are people—I categorize them as life’s losers—who get their sense of accomplishment and achievement from trying to stop others. As far as I’m concerned, if they had any real ability they wouldn’t be fighting me, they’d be doing something constructive themselves.”
No explanation required here, is there? Time spent complaining about others is time wasted, so less complaining, more accomplishing. Don’t find fault; find something to do. And on a related note, when people try to stop you? Don’t listen to the haters. Do not compute the people who say you can’t or you shouldn’t or you’re better off not. You don’t have time for that. Keep moving.
8. “Heidi Klum. Sadly, she’s no longer a 10.”
And contrary to what you might think, this is actually good news for us all. Because what Trump has made clear here is that our so-called impossible beauty standards actually are quite literally impossible. And what that means, obviously, is that we can all finally relax. We can say fuck it, and quit trying so hard, and therefore we all win. Except maybe Donald Trump, who, as he ages, may find an ever-shrinking field of actual 10s to choose from when he needs a new wife.
Ah well, Donald. As the rest of us have already figured out, you win some, and you lose some.
Post originally appeared on Scary Mommy, March 29, 2016. ©Melissa Janisin
Read more by Melissa Janisin at Goodness Madness. Follow her on Facebook and Twitter.